Unreal

Today am feeling tensed, my nerves seem to be strained. People around feel am not being myself. Am cheeezed of. First things first. People act weird and blame me for it. Hello, excuse me. "Its not my problem" is the last thing I want to hear when an issue between two people needs some sorting out. Agreed, it may actually be "my problem", but would you please mind not being the root cause of a bigger problem is my question. I face these in professional and personal life at times. And to make life more interseting, sometimes it happens in both places at the same time. I need time, and dont need blame. What is the point pointing fingers at each other that too when I am not even blaming "you" for it. And why the hell get offended when all I am asking from you is some information essential to get that sorting process going. And instead of making someone feel as though he/she is a difficult person to deal with, why not spend that energy in just keeping quiet. That is the least "you" can do. It actually helps. Well people of world, if you are listening then try not to pass comments at people who are busy "sorting" some things out...

Unwinding.....

Long time since I had an urge to write. Today am very drowsy and am in a great mood.

I watched "Mungaru male" for the second time yesterday. On the movie ticket "male" meaning rain was spelt "malhe". I dint know how to correctly spell it, but could not get myself to agree
with the pvr fellow's spelling. The program stretched my evening to a little later than I would
have wanted. You see enjoying an evening out with friends is one thing, catching that stupid early morning office shuttle is another thing. Miss this "stupid" shuttle then get caught in
even more "stupid" traffic jams and then what better way to screw up the day!

Then during the weekend watched Chakde! India. Something worth your time. Can guarantee that you wont feel bored even if you dont understand hockey or if you are not an ardent fan
of Shahrukh. And by the way he plays the character and not Shahrukh in the movie..even thats something rare you see. And there are some real feel good factors. You feel good about life in general. Go watch the movie for sheer joy of watching a great movie on our national sport.

I recently read Tarun Tejpal's "Alchemy of desire". This is the first book by the author I am reading. I like the vivid images he gives the reader while describing places and events. The beginning chapters were gripping, but it seems to drag in the melancholic middle chapters, and again comes to life at the end. I felt rather strangely while reading this book. There are places where I felt the author makes one feel there is nothing much to life. The story is in first person. There are times when you feel deeply sad for some characters and utterly irritated by the author's behaviour, his callousness. This is what is the strength of the book I feel. To portray oneself truly, with all the confusion and chaos happening inside, transparent to the reader, is a challenge. Many end up making the reader sympathize. Here I ended up, at times, loathing the author. Took several weeks to complete it. There were days when I just dint want to hear anything from him! Now it all seems good enough.

Then, I seem to be a great believer of destinies these days..all that will-happen-if-it-is-
meant-to-be attitude seems to pop up from nowhere at times. Confusion is the most prevalent
emotion mostly. Cant believe it is the same me who had opinions about almost everything in
life, that too strong ones. I have noticed that only utter confusion drives me to write stuff..may be I try to unclutter by writing..have kind of decided not to plan for sometime about anything.
That makes life simple in fact.

Happy birthday Pa

Happy birthday dear Pa, love you for making me realize there is something called
unconditional love. For sharing your almaari with me(given that you dont like doing it), and using mine after I left for bangalore. For teaching me to always cut my nails small and keep them tidy. For making me read newspapers every morning and creating love for reading. For mending your shirt yourself and making me realise your things can be your own business and no one else's if you keep them that way. For loving animals. For never forcing me to do anything against my will. For making me watch malgudi days and quiz programs on TV. For always being there for me. For being such a wonderful dad.

Life in a metro

Saw "Life in a metro" last week. A good paisa vasool kind of a movie, wont get bored for a minute, guaranteed. One thought that did linger is the amount of loneliness you feel sometimes in a big city, so full of people. May be it just happens all the time. Its very rare you get a someone with who you can share all your thoughts and even more rare (almost impossible) to find this same "someone" not change. Well it could be that you were the one who really changed and not this someone, but then it’s the same thing right? You end up being lonely all over again!

Muriyada mane...made my evening

After a long time all of us in my family sat together to watch a movie at home last saturday. Its so difficult to get a movie to make us all watch together. Thats what made it so special. It was cloudy and drizzling which kept dad indoors. Mom had prepared "chakkuli", so we all had something to munch on while watching the movie. It was called "Muriyada mane" - meaning "The unbroken home"- literally. It was about how a family splits for money, property and selfishness and finally reunites. Nothing new, what made us watch it were the actors (Dr.Raj, Narsimha raju, Balanna, Aswath..)and the beautiful dialogues, nice songs, excellent language(it seems so rare in today's movies)...Small things like these seem a luxury and can give so much of joy!

Gone with the wind

Read a very beautiful book - Gone with the wind. So beautiful that I dint need a book mark to remember where I last left it. So beautiful that I felt that I could not "waste" my evenings in office, in spite of all the "work load". Long pending. Had wanted to read for so long. Loved every bit of it. Felt hurt and sorry at times for some characters in it. So true and lovely.

Pappa

The father and his eight year old daughter were sitting in the hall enjoying each others company in the evening. Dad was sitting with his left ankle on the right knee making a cradle for his little daughter to sit on. They always enjoyed it like this. She was in her white sleeveless summer frock and he in his banian and green checked lungi.The daughter had noticed a small hole in the banian on dad's tummy. She managed to put her little finger in it and meddled with it in order to make it big enough for her finger to go in easily. Dad asked her not to do so as it was tickling him. This encouraged the little girl and she did it again. Father starting laughing loudly. It made her happy. Suddenly she thought of asking him what she had been planning from morning. Her sister had asked her not to touch her cycle. She had out grown her tricycle and wanted a bigger one. It was the right time to ask dad, she thought. She told him what was on her mind. Dad looked at her affectionately. He started telling her his childhood memories. This was very rare. He rarely even mentioned it. Today was different in severalways including this.

He: You know something? My school was about 2 kms from my house.She did not know how far was 2kms. But from his tone she understood itwas not nearby.
She nodded and said "hmm" as she had gone into her story listening mode.
He: I had no bicycle like Pammi (his elder daughter). And I did not carry lunch to school. I used to come home in the afternoons during the lunch break. I would come running on the pavement of the SH road(main road of the town). As the break was only for half an hour I would gobble up my food and then run back. I often would get muscle pulls in my stomach for running soon after lunch.
She : hmm
He: I dint have a bicycle, but my cousin, a year junior to me, had.
She : Why?
He : No one asked me if I wanted one.
She : Hmm? Why so?
He : I dint have a father to ask me.
He smiled. His eyes were filled with sadness. But she turned pale and held the arms of his banian and started crying uncontrollably. Although young and incapable of understanding the death of someone, she knew this was something that made her sorry for her father. She hugged him.

Istambul...

I am reading Orhan Pamuk's "Istanbul". I seem to share a lot with this guy(he happens to be Nobel laureate, not that's why!). Like him, I like winter, staying back home in gloomy weather, think women are more sensible of the sexes, strongly rooted to my place of birth and home. It doesn't seem to be so boring having my home housed in the same building all through! I feel possessed when in love. So many more things...plan to go back home and complete reading it. His language is not colourful in the sense that he doesn't make it loud or highly descriptive. Its plain, black and white, melancholic, beautiful. I'm loving it!

Argumentative Indians!

Watched the movie "Guru". Enjoyed it in the sense that I dint get bored.But I don't think I would want to watch it once more. The after effectsof watching the movie was kind of fun. My roomie and I began discussingit. We had watched it on different days. The discussion turned to aninteresting debate - a post dinner one(to be noted, as pre dinnerdebates are mostly short lived). I am very unsure of what it startedlike..may be that the character "Guru" became successful by "breaking"the rules. My side of the argument was he did not "break" but only"bend" the rules. The system although is functional it was not flawless.He was very ambitious and only used the flaws in the system to hisadvantage and grew. He also improved the system in a way. Her argumentwas quite interesting. She strongly believes in the democratic values,feels no single person can get bigger than the system.

Me: Agreed. But at some point he did go above the system. The systemwoke up in time to raise its own standards.

She : Being corrupt is not bending the rules. It is perfect breaking therules. Not paying tax is as good as a crime.

Me : Fine. But this punishment was affordable to him. Paying a fewlakhs(or whatever money) is not that big a deal for a business tycoon.If someone finds punishment affordable then it means the system acceptsits flawed(at least in areas where the punishment is affordable) therebygiving concessions to those who break these rules.

She: Punishment is a punishment. Although it looks like a financial one,it can tarnish the image of the company and loose a lot of good will inthe market.

Me: In Guru's case the beneficiary was the common people and it was thegovernment that lost money. And moreover all Guru wanted to do was makemoney legally. The system with its corrupt bureaucracy came in his way.He found it far more time saving to just bribe and move on. Had thesystem been supportive there was no need for him to bend the rules.

She : He fought the system legally to get the license to start hisbusiness. Later he went on using corrupt ways to grow. Every individualin a system should act responsibly. He should have fought corruption.

Me : Fighting corruption is easier said than done! It would beidealistic to expect him to have done so. He was achieving his means byexploiting the system. Even corruption is a part of this very system.Even education is a part of this very system. Expecting individuals tobe responsible enough although your system doesn’t do much to help themgrow is a little asking for much. Even he was a part of this system. Thesystem dint give him the chance to grow naturally, so he tweaked therules. Had he broken them, he could not have been able to bear theaftermaths. He helped the system grow. Such people stretch the limits ofthe imagination of the society. Who could have thought a company couldhave been started without any money at all. He raised it from the publicmoney. They are required....

(Her part of the argument may not be fully represented as I was busy debating it out!)

The debate had gone on well after midnight. We were so excited at someparts of the arguments we were, I guess talking loudly. Then we suddenlyrealised it was well past bedtime. Many things were not settled. Both ofagreed to remain peaceful in our disagreements. We have realised to stayunder the same roof we need not compromise on our beliefs or thoughts.So naturally we had enjoyed the debate.

Goldfish memory....gone in a blink!

I feel like a goldfish! Looking at huge lines of code. I have an uncanny feeling that the moment I blink I forget all that I had analysed and theflow! Like the goldfish memory. You blink, you forget. Like the girl inthe movie "50-First dates". Fortunately it happens only with the code.But forgetting in some ways is a gift. Life becomes simpler if yourealize what to remember and surely remember what to forget! No extra baggages please.

hmmm

I sometimes feel like a child. Attracted to anything that is colourful, anything animate, anything cheerful and gay. I refuse to "analize" whether it is "good" for me. Then either end up burning my finger or feel it was snatched from me! Now this is childish. How could I have assumed it was mine or it would be available to me for as long as I pleased or rather how did I assume it would be there, it has its own fancies and rules of the world. Whats this "it".. Could be that friendly smile, could be that availability of this really nice person to chat, could be sharing interests, could be a person, a place or a thing which just attracts and has the capacity to hold my attention. Am I so stubborn in not letting go things easily or is it always with me that whenever I like the cheese, it has to be moved. I wish I had appraisal discussions with my Maker once in a while. Look this guy creates me the way I am, and then teaches everything the hard way. I deserve my share of everything in the world. Yeah I do. Anyone listening..huh?

Am gonna miss....

Am moving to a new office. I was just asking myself, other than the familarity and comfort of the people I work with, what else will I miss? Trying to list:
1. The library, particularly the one for non technical books.
2. Yoga class, and to some extent the gym.
3. The lazy walk beside the "pond" after lunch.
4. Variety of lunch available(you get South Indian,north Indian,Chinese, Continental,ok just name it you get it) and ofcourse my only lunch companion in all these years of my work life.(Well she is more than a friend, have known her for almost nine years now- best buddy in college!)
5. I had started noticing some really cute looking, kannada speaking guys! Oh god, what late realization hmm!
6. Bus ride! Now am I not being rediculous. Was this not the one reason I thought I dint have a life after office hours on weekdays? Ya, but I am gonna miss it.
7. Barista, coffee day, Strand and Oxford bookstall (both offer 20% discount)
Hmm...thats sums it up. Now I wonder, this very office when I shifted a year ago to, I used to crib saying it was so far from civilazation and outside the city and now I feel I am gonna miss it! Thats life.

Appraisal....

My mentee: What they ask during the appraisal.
Me: They dont, you need to.
Mentee: Oh! What does one write in the appraisal.
Me:(In the gyan giving tone) See, first you need to do your work the best way you can. Then dont feel shy to write the good things that you have done. If you feel shy writing good things about yourself and your work, they feel shy to give you a good hike!

Both of us had a good laugh.

On rainy day not long ago....

It was a late evening during the early monsoons. I was heading to the bus stop, it was drizzling but the sky was red and threatening to pour any moment. Those days a downpour was a welcome relief. My steps were unhurried. I neither seemed to care for the rain nor the last bus home. It was about 10 minutes walk. Occupied in my own thoughts I slowly walked through the open, untreed path in the lowly lit narrow winding lane running through a well maintained lawn. Reaching the bus stop climbed into my bus without a second thought or checking the route. Nothing could have changed, so fast. At least not my work life. I sat in a three-seater next to the aisle under the light to force myself to read something. Starting looking for some book in my bag. Those days I did not care what I read, because the companionship a book could give suddenly seemed to have deserted me. After a while the fact that someone is at the window-seat registered. I also slowly realized I was sitting right below the speaker. Radio is played the moment the bus starts off. And these are my regular companions in the bus - my book and the radio jockey and his music. I mechanically took out the book and started staring at the words. I dint realize how long it was before the music started playing overhead. It was the first time I ever heard the song.

Tears started rolling down my cheeks. I turned to the window. I wanted the gentleman next to me on the two-seater not to notice me. My neighbour on the right was looking out of the window. Our eyes met in the reflection of the window glass. His eyes were not questioning. There was no expression that would make me uneasy. They were just softly glancing. I was not sobbing, but could not stop the tears, they seemed beyond my control. The deep voice of Kailash Kher "Tu ne kya kar daala mar gayi mein mit gayi mein oji haaji hogayi mein...teri deewaneee..diwani..." had caught a passing thought and thus the precipitation. Ever since I have been in love with the song, its lyrics and the great music, beautifully sung. I felt greatly relieved after a while. For a long time after that I dint look at my neighbour. I was not embarrassed or anything. Just before I got up to go, I turned towards the window glass, as if to say bye.He again saw me without turning towards me. I thanked him with a smile and he warmly reciprocated. My steps towards home felt lighter. Those tears seemed to have washed a lot of things away.

What last year taught me..

1.While taking a photo, never make the subject be in the very middle of the frame. Its considered "ugly".
2.Never make someone your priority while you are only an option to the other person. Life demands balances in relationships.
3.Hit the gym. Get it into shape. Round is not a shape. Moreover do it for health, and keep the "shape" factor as motivator. Do yoga, keep yourself fit.
4.Some tips to avoid gaining weight (note, not reduce): Go to bed after a couple of hours after dinner. Drink lot of water. Take a slow walk 10 mins after lunch/dinner.
5.Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to some goodies, be it chocolates, clothes, books, or whatever you love once in a while. It helps you appreciate the smaller (in fact the most essential) things in life. Like the ad goes "You are the occasion".
6.Do new things, dont just plan. I planned many many things last year. I want to realize most of it this year.
7.If you want something "ask". I have asked and not got it, but it only made life simpler. Atleast I know I asked. Chances are you get what you want, dont settle for anything less.
8.Finally no regrets about anything. All said and done, all thought about over and over again one ends up making mistakes, some small, some big. Nothing is as big as life itself. This is the first time that I am doing so many things in life, so all this expected.
9.Give yourself and others another chance.

And happy new year folks!

Kabul Express - my verdict!

Watched "Kabul Express" film yesterday! A beautiful film. Short, moving, intelligent and beautiful. For a person like me who was not following the happenings in Afghanistan recently and who reads the newspaper twice a week, the "reality" depicted in Kabul was an eye opener. The geography of the place, with the nearly cloudless azure sky, vast stretches of dry land seemed mystic. But the people seem to have a different story to tell. This place seems no where close to a civilized society, although there did exist a great one long ago. What one gets to understand of how women were treated during the Taliban period is saddening.

Humour in the movie is mostly sarcastic. You find yourself smiling, sometimes laughing out loud. Its not just Warsi who brings a comic relief in the movie. There is a quadruped actor also! Very interesting character.

John looks good as usual. Neatly written script. Highly recommend it for a different experience.

The art of letting go..

Learnt a very interesting lesson. If we clench our fist tightly for a few seconds it does not hurt. If we keep it clenched for a few minutes it makes you feel a little uneasy. Imagine holding it like this for days, months or years. Imagine the plight of your hand! This is what we do about many things in life. Relationships when held on momentarily strengthens it, then freedom should take over. Or else it starts hurting like the closed fist held for too long! Let GO!

Open your fingers and feel the freedom. Holding back can cause accumulation of a lot of stress, pain, expectations and what not. When things hurt in any aspect of life, its time to let go! Its time to move on. Its seems so simple. Simple things are so difficult to follow. We tend to accumulate a of stuff like old letters, cards, broken pieces of porcelain, clothes.. those cupboards, drawers full of these "memorabilia". Keeps accumulating, denying the "present"(today) a chance of existence in your life! You tend to keep living either in the past, in memories or in future,in dreams. There are people and feelings who need to be attended to, who are happily forgotten by us. Probably thats what "Get a life!" is all about...

The joy of being misunderstood!!

There are times when I am misunderstood. I hate explaining myself. I rarely do. But there is one thing very surprising in these situations that I consistently do. I totally go out of my way to prove to the other person how right he/she is in misunderstanding me! Its a little crazy. None the less, I do it. I really dont like to be trusted too much by people who do not know me well. It seems to make the person more powerful and me more vulnerable! I see it more as a burden. Expectations mount. That too unnecessarily. So misunderstandings are those rare opportunities to actually make life simpler, free yourself of some burden. If there is any truth in whatever I thought was that person's trust in me, he/she will definitely not be taken away with
my crazy behaviour(adamant people I tell you) and will remain friends. The others who leave, help you grow. Actually there are many people whom I dearly cared for and even they left at some time, momentarily making me feel bitter, but made me think and feel deeply, made me grow and mature, made me much of that I am today. And there are some other people whom I cared immensely about, but I moved away, not forced by circumstances, but out of sheer choice,
to find myself.
So when I am not understood by people whom I care, it really hurts. When people whom I dont care enough for dont seem to understand, initially it does not feel good, but then I start enjoying it!

Transition..

Finally I have started enjoying things. Nothing much has changed. Same job, same people, same work, same old life. But I am most comfortable being myself. I no longer wish I was someone else. Yes, I still hope things can get better. I take care of myself, sleep well, treat myself with chocolates after a workout in the gym or when I have done well and streched/bent more than I thought I could in the yoga class. I no longer grudge people the way I did. "It happens" and move along. Thats one good thing about growing older. You are more in peace with being yourself. You tend to be more realistic. You know your limitations better. You know which challenges to take.

Ok,let me tell you somethings that I am really enjoying. I came early in the morning to office today and had my ever favorite vada(will I never get tired of it? hmmm), ofcourse with idli for breakfast, as usual. I was serving myself some chutney, when a guy took a spoon, then came back for another one. I smiled thinking he wanted to get a second look of me(Ya, if we havent met before, lemme tell you me is mirror breaking material...). I was just coming out of canteen. A guy was on phone and was saying "hmm 9". I again smiled to myself and was thinking "Out of?"... Ya such is life. In life changes happen, its all how you take it. There is only one thing in the world that you can really change - your attitude.

News making news...

There was a time when I was amused how dad managed to actually sit through the entire news program on national TV. I would also wonder why he watched news in all three languages (reginal, hindi and english) spaced every one hour or so. The news presenters always looked at some place where probably the lines to be read appeared. Or even better some would glance at the paper they held and read it. The best presenter used to be one, of course according to me, the one who made you feel she/he was looking at you and talking rather than actually struggling to read either from the paper or some screen. Then came the era of cable TV. Dad continued to watch the news despite strong opposition from me. I just could not figure out how he could watch that drab of a show when there were so many other things waiting to be watched. Now I am quite surprised that I end up watching a lot of news channels myself. Of course it probably runs in the family to try and keep oneself better informed about the current happenings. But I would definitely say news presenting has come a long way. Its done very effectively. These are seasoned reporters, who do their homework well, not just report but mostly do the ground work themselves. They are journalists not just presenters. The confidence shows. Amazing people, amazing shows.