Confusions....

There are very few times in life when I have felt that I did things like they were the most natural things to do. Felt like a flow. What was common in them was that these appeared wishful to begin with, it did not matter if the ways of realising them was unclear or unknown at the time, but they just seemed like things I wanted and kept thinking about them on and off, weighing the possibilities, dreaming, threatening(to my optimistic self) to give up the idea only to come back and dwell on it a little later. After realising them, some in forms I had perceived and some in others, it sometimes makes me wonder how did I get to want it in the first place!

When what you wanted happens to you, that process would have used your energies in a focused way, either consciously or not so consciously. And you feel grateful. There is a pleasure in applying yourself. Initially if you imagine achieving what you wanted, when the path is unclear, you most likely imagine pride. But when things happen, through effort, planning, it is most likely to make you humble in those moments, just thankful that some of "you" was "usefully" applied!

When you taste these humbling experiences, you want more of yourself to be applied to things that matter to you. There is this crazy desire to make more sense of your being. But there may be times when you do not know what next, when there is no deep desire you know of, which can use up all of you at the moment. You want stillness to hear any voice inside your head to tell you what next. The restlessness doesnt help. 

Even with distractions of people, hobbies, etc in those moments of solitary meditation, the same question of your purpose and being begin to gnaw. It is probably just a matter of acknowledging that such a feeling exists and that it is normal and continue to do what you were anyway doing. Also have an action plan to try something new in that direction(there will be clues, just be on a look out, when things ring a bell, take note) that may lead you some place you want to be.

And it is important to stay foolish and believe that there is something in the future that will use all the energy that you wanted channelised, to be used in a way that would be very satisfying, that feels like the flow and add that "meaning" to life! :)

P.S: I dont know if would make sense to an older me years from now! Should I be even wishing it does, I don’t know!! :P

Newspapers? No, thanks!

Reading newspapers used to be a fun thing to do early in the morning over the weekends. But these days, I avoid the newspaper as long as possible during the mornings and read them only around noon, that too because I feel a day at home is incomplete without reading the damn newspaper. It is no fun reading reams of pages reporting crime! Such a sad state of affairs! Even the supplements cant lure me to picking the newspapers up and reading.

 I hope the coming year, brings in a new hope for a better and safer society, where people behave. And those who don’t, are punished on time. I hope more children get educated and more people get employed or create employment opportunities for themselves and others, women get more involved and have an equal say in building the family, community and the country.  

And hope all the positivity will get reported and make me want to pick up the newspaper in the morning and want to know what is up with the world again!

My nastiest best!

Looks like have hit the rock bottom, groping through a never ending tunnel. I feel am becoming into some total stranger. Am no more myself. I am full of pessimism and hate everyone and everything. The worst part is am reacting badly to kind words. God! at this rate am going to lose a lot of nice people. They say one's character shows in times of adversity. Is this what I really am? Is this even a time of crisis? How would I say am sorry? May be I deserve every bit of.

May I have my change please....

There is a lot of unrest. I feel I want a CHANGE - of place, of work, of people, of habits, of food(except for "uddin vada" ofcourse).
I am feeling tired and running slight temperature right now. Wondering could that be the cause..
Hope either the change happens or the restlessness passes away - whichever is convenient for the guy up there...

Last evening...-2

The world is a very unfair place to be.(Ok I will keep saying it because it IS an UNFAIR place to be!). This has nothing to do with the below passage.

Another friend called me after a long time to check if I continue to exist - precisely thats why some friends call me up for. We caught up with each others lives. In the due course I suddenly realized (because my friend pointed it out to me), that I had made some remarks about relationships and marriage. All this advice was not even targeted at him, for he is a mature guy himself. We were just discussing about something and I got into the lecture mode unconsciously. This is what I had said(it cant be exactly the same words, and since I was the one who said it, I have the license to...) :

There are a lot of things in this world which you do to prove a point. Marriage is definitely not one of them. Dont marry to prove anybody a point. There are a few people involved whose life will get affected by the decisions that you take. Be practical, be reasonable. In the height of ecstasy, when high on love, people dont think of the practical implications. You must think about the consequences. If you are content with the way of life at home, if you are proud of your roots(and you enjoy a lot of the vernacular stuff) , if you are sure you want your everyday things to be how they have always been, do not try anything drastically different in this area! Just imagine wanting to watch a kannada movie/play and hoping your spouse, who cannot follow kannada, could appreciate it, when initially it did not even seem like a requirement for the relationship! Think. Because this will be having an impact on your partner as well. If you are the kind who would end up with such unrealistic expectations(they become unrealistic in this particular situation, otherwise having such expectations from people of the same backgrounds is very valid)and are convinced it’s a reasonable expectation to have, then cross-language and cross-culture marriages are not for you. This will be a very unfair thing to do for a person whom you have “loved”. Things will not continue to be rosy forever. Get real. Don’t make your old parents go through difficult times adjusting to the new person-new language-new culture(This will not be a problem if you are from a cosmopolitan background). Marriage should stabilize life not add more confusion! And more than everything it depends on fate (yes, I am a “practicing” hindu!!! LOL!). If things do not happen the way you want, they were just not meant to be. Blame nobody(This is easier said than done!)…….

There was one thing very surprising. I have never taken a stand on this matter before. I did not even know I think on these lines(now). I have always claimed to be a hard-core romantic – as in, you cannot help falling in love with people (and falling in love somehow translates to marriage, thanks to my conditioned mind!). It was a great eye-opener to myself!

I'm-possible!!!

There are some people on the face of this earth(fortunately very very few and far) who get on my nerves and are talented enough to manage to stay there when I am willing to let them get off. The only way I know to deal with these people is to avoid them. But there are certain places in life when they cannot be avoided. "Get off my nerves please" is what I want to tell them, clear and loud. They just dont seem to get the message. Hmm such is life...Take a deep breath and relax, I tell myself. One such person told me "You are impossible". May be thats precisely what I want to be for him. But the point is, what on earth makes people bother me when the only mistake I made was mind my own business. This seems to be a big offence in life..Funny people! - Ok folks, one small confession, I really dont want to be liked by a few homo-sapiens in particular. I choose not to be liked by them.Crazy me, but I do not know why!!!

Some "suicidal" stuff!!!

Actually its very funny..I wonder how I end up taking up things and responsibilities I can hardly handle. I seem to be an expert at that. A friend of mine described this attitude as "Aa bhel mujhe maar"!! If I am asked to take up something at work and they happen to qualify that task as "challenging", I cant say a no. And so I took up something which on second thoughts seems "suicidal". Ah well thats ok..its all a part of life, atleast mine!!



So things did settle down. Well what doesnt in life?



There was something very interseting I noticed. Saw two dumb people "talking" to each other. Both the girls were probably in their twenties. They were animatedly gesturing at each other. When the one who was "speaking" made gestures, she was not looking at the other person. Only when whatever she had to say was over she would make the eye contact. Until then with various expressions on her face, she would go on following her own hands. And the "listner" to my surprise, was looking at the face of the other person not staring at the hands. One of the girls had a very expressive face and the other girl had a lot of red and green glass bangles in her right hand, which were the cause of my taking note of their conversation in the first place. Without realizing



I had watched their conversation for quite a few minutes when suddenly I felt how could they be so sure that the other person understood what was being said. Nothing to be sure of. One person could be talking something and the other person could be saying something totally opposite. It was quite strange suddenly. It seemed beyond my comprehension that a conversation could take place like this as well.

Suddenly it struck me that there are times, so many at that, when I have spoken to people in a tongue that they can comprehend, when words have clearly been uttered, when words have been heard and yet at the end have been so sure the other person has not understood what I really meant!! And there have been times when people claim that they did not mean what I understood it be, although at that moment I was not more sure of anything else..



Suddenly things happen which make me rethink about some assumed notions in life.. They make me think about things I would not have given a thought about, make me rethink about some and sometimes even give me a 180 degree change in "perspective". One of the biggest things in life is its all how YOU "see" it, its all how YOU "take", its all what YOU "make" of it! Like is like that!

Unreal

Today am feeling tensed, my nerves seem to be strained. People around feel am not being myself. Am cheeezed of. First things first. People act weird and blame me for it. Hello, excuse me. "Its not my problem" is the last thing I want to hear when an issue between two people needs some sorting out. Agreed, it may actually be "my problem", but would you please mind not being the root cause of a bigger problem is my question. I face these in professional and personal life at times. And to make life more interseting, sometimes it happens in both places at the same time. I need time, and dont need blame. What is the point pointing fingers at each other that too when I am not even blaming "you" for it. And why the hell get offended when all I am asking from you is some information essential to get that sorting process going. And instead of making someone feel as though he/she is a difficult person to deal with, why not spend that energy in just keeping quiet. That is the least "you" can do. It actually helps. Well people of world, if you are listening then try not to pass comments at people who are busy "sorting" some things out...