Must Dos to remain sane...

1. Mind your own business. You do not run the show and have no control of what happens, give your best and keep going.

2. Read books. Read, read and read whenever you find time.

3. Make travel plans silently and take those breaks. You need them. No one ever regretted for travelling more or reading more in life I guess. Experiences matter. Experiences make life. Remember the time I went cycling in Goa or Leh...wow those stories are always fun to share.

4. Take breaks for family. No compromises.

5. Dont get overwhelmed by what people think or say. Who ARE these people? If they knew better they would mind their own business.

6. Blog often. :)

An eternal drag...

The world is turning into a very horrible place going by all the stuff one reads in newspapers. Seeing people acting so inhumanly is beyond comprehension. Sometimes I wonder if one should have kids at all and bring them to such a world and make them suffer so much. 

I had a wonderful childhood. My family filled me with so much love, hope and optimism that it makes me wonder if that is why I turn out to be so ill-equipped to comprehend the real world. It has always been a struggle being an adult. Somewhat depressing too. The more optimistic I seem the more the world has offered to show its not so nice faces and made me a tad bit cynical. It is not easy when people let you down, when situations are always adverse, when things dont go your way. Where does one seek solace? The world really isnt as wonderful as I had imagined as a child. Adults have real problems, bills to pay, work to do, and no time for fun. BORING. To the core. That is what life is. 

You have one problem. You overcome it. You have one more. This is during the good times.

Sometimes another problem shows up before the first one goes away. Sometimes a hell lot of them appear out of no where and you struggle and struggle and after you pass out from exhaustion they seem to go leaving you more cynical and far less fun than you once used to be. Sometimes the problems are not even yours. People around you dump them on you if you are the responsible sorts. Being responsible or having such an image is the worst. Life is not one bit interesting, even if everyone seems to be posting the fanciest pics on fb. Life is a big mess, an eternal drag. It is neither fair nor just. You suddenly appear one day and remain clueless for the rest of your life. You cannot live by yourself nor for yourself. You are taught as a kid to live by some rules. As an adult you are shocked no one else seems to be following those rules and the ones who really do end up losing in the game of life. 

Each day lived is one less day to live and you get closer to the end, whatever that means. 

Religious? Don't think so...

I sometimes wonder if I am really spiritual. I have a way of philosophizing life and making it easy to digest and be hopeful. But can I follow practices every single day and have a connection with the higher form of existence you would call God? I dont think so. I lack the discipline and the bent of mind.

As a kid I used to be clumsy with most things, particularly when someone is watching. During festivals, my mother used to watch over me when I went near the puja room so that I do not spill stuff and be careful and that sort. I somehow developed a dislike for religious things. If I needed watching over I would rather not want to be doing it. It is not like I dont pray or believe in God. It actually depends in the frame of mind I am in.  There have been times when I have tried to prove I can be religious and all, but truly I am not. I can concentrate and pray for a few seconds. Beyond that my thoughts drift to how that kumkum is making my finger tips dry and how I want to wash it off quickly, or all those flowers used for the decoration, that lizard on the wall, that dozing uncle at the far corner of the temple, how sweaty and uncomfortable the traditional dress makes me feel, then the thoughts go far beyond the temple and God to mundane stuff like did I pay that bill, was the geyser switched off, "oh I am already hungry..how long will this go on for" and what not....

They say as people grow older they become more spiritual or when people face difficulties they get more inclination towards God. I am not sure. Somewhere earlier I was making that effort to try and be religious, but that I feel is beyond me. Sometimes in difficult times I would rather drown myself in a good book than sit and pray or meditate. For me when I am happy I would like to read something, when I am sad I would surely want to read something. May be spirituality is not for book worms. On the lighter note,  may be because of all the spiritual books I read as a kid for a few years, I tend to philosophize a great deal. So it has always been about reading then...

If rituals are to be followed, it is better I understand why. If you want to pour milk, ghee, curd, tender coconut on the stone deity and hope to appease the God, I have no complaints. I can watch it and to an extend enjoy the sight. But if you expect me to be doing it, I wonder why. And I seriously question my ability to believe in such things and follow them unquestioningly day after day. That is just not me.  

What life...

No one tells you as a kid what to expect from life when you grow up. As a kid you fancy that adults have a lot of freedom, can do anything with their lives, it is so much fun and what not...Then you grow up with all eagerness and find out it is not that great after all. Being a kid and going to school was far more fun.

You have responsibilities to live by, rat races to run, bills to pay, peer pressure to get more successful at work which sometimes you happen to be doing solely for the money, financial pressures to pay those EMIs, social and cultural pressures to get married and have children at a "certain" age defined by random people we call "society"....Really? This shit is what being an adult was all about! Oh my god, did I waste a good number of hours as a kid hoping to quickly grow up and have such kind of fun! huh!?

What about having some real fun and being happy, travelling the world, and living for myself, not for parents, spouse or children, just myself? What about it, where is that person I was so much confident of being when I started out as an adult?

Being at peace is so very vital for my being that may be somewhere I hide my disappoints by trying to love everything about the way life is now. I keep hoping for magic to happen and that dreamy eyed child in me is still so very hopeful that it breaks my adult heart to confess that this is all life may be after all.
Being an adult is the dullest part of life.

A little of self control...

Sometimes we are aware of what exactly can hurt a certain person. That moment when you feel hurt or cornered, the easiest thing is to do is say it and hurt that person in a knee jerk reaction. The temptation is high. But there is magnanimity in not saying it. You are doing yourself a favor exercising that much of self control. The regret that happens after saying it is high and totally not worth it.

Emapthy and other peoples' shoes...

Empathy is when you can put yourself in someone else's shoes. But what if you get it all wrong, as in, you think you can imagine being in someone else's shoes while in reality you are not! :) Funny right.
Say, you imagine a person - X, to be angry about a situation because of your understanding and then it turns out that X did not care as much and was not affected by that situation at all.

So in order to be empathetic, you first need to understand the situation completely. It is not about looking at the world through your lens and imagining your reactions in that situation. It is about developing insights into how other people feel and think in those situations.

This, as you can imagine, is not an easy task. For a person like me, I would recommend not to try and get empathetic in the first place. I mostly think from the "heart" as opposed to the "mind" when it comes to people I am fond of. And I mostly think the world is made of people like me, which is so not true.

There is one more thing. You need to remember nobody is helpless. People have their own mechanisms to deal with situations and difficulties. If people need your help, they will let you know. If you develop more trust in this basic rule of life, you would go easy on yourself too... :)

The power of gratitude...

This is one thing I would like to do everyday - before going to bed, appreciate the good aspects of life. Somehow this positivity seems to be get carried even when I wake up and make the rest of the day beautiful. I did that randomly a couple of times and the results were consistent. But I wish I remember and get into the practice of doing it every day. Starting today I want to make this a habit.

Gratitude was something that I used to underrate, and when I read things about it, I used to get that feeling that it is some self-help bookish preaching. Observations have lead me to believe that there is something more to it. It seems like an immensely enabling force. This is a good time to be thankful for and to make plans! :)

P.S: Am thankful that I have kept writing as often as I can this year, and this is the 100th post ever in any given year! Hmm thats nice!

The WHYs of things...

I find vulnerability a great quality. Some people can so easily put things out there and evoke a sense of sympathy and understanding from others. When I offer a sympathetic ear, I mostly do not feel my time was wasted. But if I had to tell someone that I had such a thing bothering me, I would think, would I be wasting their time, would it be appropriate to discuss. I think. I wait. I wait till I get proper time to tell a loved one, that this is what is bothering me. And sometimes, I wonder if they will worry too much and decide on not sharing it. I act all strong. I avoid people when am a mess. And people think am arrogant, self-centered.

What I truly need in my life is to be heard, to be understood. It is tiring to have things and not have someone to say it to. It is tiring to be nice to the world and in that attempt end up alone. It is tiring to deny yourself some niceness. It is tiring to be so full of expectation and pretend like I give a damn. It is so tiring to believe in magic and at the same time wonder will the show ever start. It is so tiring to be so cautious of getting hurt by being your natural self, when you can as well let go and take it easy. It is so tiring to wonder who is judging and why, when people are just like you.

Why cant I be vulnerable, why cant I be, without feeling lost or spreading myself too thin? Why cant I just ask for help when I need? Why cant I just ask for support when I need? Why is getting some understanding and sympathy a sign of weakness?  What is the fun in pretending to be all strong, when you really are not? Why should one force oneself to expect less? Why do I have to hoard feelings till it bothers me so much?  Why should I stop believing in things that I have always believed, because someone says so - really?

Do things really have to go way too wrong before it starts getting better?

Why do things become lighter when put in black and white?

The "Temple run" of thoughts....

Have you played "Temple run"? For the reason that I like anything related to running, I probably like this game too. I was visualizing running like in Temple run, through the thoughts of the mind and feeling, as I forge forward, the path becomes clear and what seemed the initial obstacle goes off and is replaced with another. If you hit the road block, try running through the thoughts again.

Thoughts are what are most interesting. And one really never gets what exactly another person is thinking. You just can make a good guess. And still people communicate and think they make sense to each other! I could be telling you something and you could be understanding it in totally different way and both of us may never really appreciate how little we actually were in sync! And this could have been perceived as a great conversation we shared. It is like two people playing temple run next to each other and talking, with neither paying enough attention to the talk. So probably thinking, understanding, comprehension happens in a very personal space - in your mind/head. And the more we imagine that other people really understands us in ways that we are actually thinking, I guess the more funnier the expectations get! And the time spent in thinking and evolving and growing reduces. More energy is spent in efforts to make yourself understood, which is anyway not going to happen. It is impossible to get into someone else's head and think like them. Think about it...

I feel the closest I have got to anyone's thoughts is probably through the written word. And in written word you have probably the illusion of the comfort of understanding exactly what is being told to you, without being refuted in any which way whatsoever, unless you think otherwise.

To The Universe...

All those books, articles and inspirational talks keep emphasizing on positive thoughts. Is day dreaming, wanting something not the same? I do not really know how to keep thinking positively all the time. “Thoughts become action”. Yes but how can you control thoughts and feelings, amplify only positivity in them and go on. It would take a lot of awareness on every second of one’s life to do so. I am not sure how to practice that also. I wish I could be given a few trail runs with some hand holding from the Universe on how this bloody thing actually works. Then I could myself tweak the settings of the Universe and get what is best for me from there on.

I am not sure where The Universe looks for, so an open letter here. Hope The Universe reads it and acts upon:

Dear Universe,

I am not sure if I know how to dream boundlessly. Give me the wisdom to know what is really good for me and then the courage to want it with all my being. Help me forgive easily, smile more often and have a good time while am alive and kicking. I would like myself to expect less from people. I could do with a good dose of clarity of thought. I am thankful for all that I have, the thing is, I need more. And since I am told I can want all that I want and have it too, I am sending out that request to you, The Universe, so that you can conspire to give me all that I am looking for. Patience is a virtue and as you know, I already have it, so please make it fast. J

Also please help me understand this secret of how to train my thoughts and make life an amazing experience. I want to be the best person I can be, help me with that. And yes, having a good time while I am at these is important. Kindly note this. I sound a tad bit demanding, but then I am told, that the Universe gives you anything that you have the courage to ask for. So PLEASE help me out. 

Sincerely,

Pratibha

Focus...

I often wonder about what having "focus" is about. For one, it would be nice to have a little more of it. Let me explain. Well, I want somethings. But I have vague ideas of either the 'wanting' or the 'something'. I do not dwell on things until I have to. So I feel there is not enough planning. What is the harm? It makes me feel like I am drifting, while with some focus I could decide where and how I would want to reach. Drifting is passive, while focus would make the movement more in control. hmmm

Farmville...really?! me!?

Well, I do not usually play online games, I do not know if that is what people say before getting hooked to them. I used to play some criminal investigation game, but that was rarely and dint find it interesting or did not continue to play till it got interesting. I got a bunch of requests for Framville on FB, was reluctant but kept getting them, just wanted to check it out and now am into online farming and crazily so(sounds so pathetic, reminds me of an episode from Big bang theory where Penny is hooked to online gaming...huh!)! Ok whatever, I have to get back to my farm now...

And the journey begins...

Is life just a series of experiences? Surprises randomly thrown at you one after another, some pleasant, some not so much. You feel you have learnt something, but the same situation never arises again. There is logic to rely on. There is a rational self. Really? Or are you just trying to make sense of all the randomness of the world to remain sane as that seems the only way a thinking being can exist? If you were given all that you thought would make you happy, you still would not be. Why? Because you are made for randomness. The unchanging world would bore you. You are not made for certainty.

Sometimes you end up where you started. Is that not futile?

How is it futile? After a trip, don’t you go back home? Reaching where you started from only means the trip is over, but the trip could definitely have been fun. 

You just need to stop being a control freak. Don’t most wonderful experiences  happen when you let things be, when you are ready to accept whatever happens with an open mind(well, you may be tired to try other "choices" at the time and so may have given in to accepting things, but whatever, the truth remains). Rationalising is sometimes just BS. There is no fun reaching anywhere. It is just in the seeking, exploring, knowing, feeling, believing. The journey. That is all there is.

Life and Candy floss problems...

There is this thing about life. Problems are sometimes like candy floss. They appear big and too much to handle. But if you try to bite there is hardly anything. So basically you need to have the courage to sooner or later attempt to take a bite and get a taste of what that "big" problem is even to figure out the magnitude. And if it turns out to be candy-floss-big, just be thankfully surprised and enjoy the discovery. And yes, move on. 

Women and the world...

I read somewhere that most of the work in the world gets done by women. And surely it did not surprise me. But as I also notice many women do not mind not getting credit for all the work done, however excellently. It is more like an acceptance that the world is surely an ungrateful place.  This may be a smarter way to live, much better than getting angry about the insensitivity followed by helplessness. It is easier changing your attitude than the world's, you see. And of course modesty is a supreme virtue of women or that is the expectation.

I saw a woman in an old sari with a bag skillfully balanced on head and another bag in her hands get into the public bus. One of the ladies sitting closer to the door tried to help her. Only two seats were occupied by women of the entire section of the bus reserved for women. Even when pointed out that the woman with the bags should get a place to sit none of the men seemed to budge, the woman did not demand either. Going from the woman's appearance and that of her bags it was evident that she was neither rich nor educated, may be a laborer, which made those men assume there was no need to oblige, as if those qualifiers were needed to make her woman enough than she already was, to deserve a seat!

And why is it a man’s world? Because young boys learn from example that its easier or rather no harm being a jerk as women don’t mind being treated shabbily at times, and one could get away with bad behavior without any fear of punishment? And that although all people are equal, there seems no harm in assuming that women can be treated inferior without any cause of regret or reproach? With lack of role models and women tolerating the nonsense or just not taught that they are no less equal, feminism, I wonder at times, seems more of an educated woman’s way of making herself feel better, make herself seem like a thinking person and give a hope of changing something someday to make things better for herself. But with so many small things working against you, it is an ardent task to keep a faith in such thoughts. 

Wondering...

Its always good to know when to quit. 

May flowers...

Morning I saw some Spring in my garden as well. Beautiful flowers. I think they are called may flowers. Either the plant wasnt aware of it, and so it bloomed in March itself or its quite a whimsical plant - as in, it may or may not flower! Its a wonderful plant to have in our garden.

Haunting thought...

There is a quote from Bob Marley thats haunting me for a while - "The truth is everyone is going to hurt you, you just got to find the ones worth suffering for."
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

I have been watching the FRIENDS show for almost a decade now. By the time I starting watching it was almost at its fag end, so what I watched were mostly reruns. It has always been fun to watch. Even now I watch episodes randomly whenever I feel like. I thought I had seen every episode, until yesterday! I had missed the last episode for so long! Only last evening did I realize that Rachel and Ross reunite. I had wondered how Rachel could go off to Paris like that! How on earth had I missed it! I thought it was some behind-the-scenes-stuff episode and hadn’t watched it until now!

It was a very pleasant thought that two of my favorite sitcom characters reunited and it was a happy ending! 

Customer (do I really) care?

Sometime ago I had started putting pics to some of the numbers in my contact info of mobile phone. It necessarily wasn’t the person's picture. I hadn’t figured this would actually help me deal with something.

Last year, my mobile service provider had enabled some extra services unsolicited and the bill was huge. They just would not account for or take responsibility for what had happened. I tried escalation but it did not change anything. Finally I ended up paying the amount as they maintained it was my mistake that I did not disable those services(I came to know they were enabled when I saw the bill!). But in just a day or two, the stress of dealing with those junk guys had taken a toll on me. I came up with a creative way to make me feel better(I know I could have handled it better, but when people are willingly being unreasonable I would rather get rid of the situation). I put the picture of a roll of toilet paper for the mobile service provider customer care number.  When I see the picture it makes me smile!

Now every time I find something fishy happening on my mobile, I shoot a mail and make sure they don't mess with my bill. No calling the customer god-damn care!