Random thoughts...

- Have been reading obituaries of Farook Sheikh in the newspapers last few days. I admired him for his acting skills and became a fan when he was anchoring a show called "Jeena isi ka naam hey" on TV.
Have been wanting to watch his movie "Chashme Badoor" for a while now. Hope to catch it sometime soon.

- It has been a slow and quiet day and I am liking it that way.

- Had a proud moment - my mom has started playing su-do-ku on my Google Nexus tab! I thought she wasnt so keen on getting technologically updated. Pleasantly surprised. :)

- Have been wanting to write a few posts of my travel experiences from the Odisha and Vizag trip I did in the last week of December, but some kind of a block! Its not a writer's block for sure since am writing other stuff! :P I dont want to miss out on details and so the procrastination bothers. Right now, cant help. Hmmm

- After reading a bunch of chick-lit books, I wanted to read something "worthwhile" (I am this hypocrite who doesnt think very highly of chick-lit but thoroughly enjoys them! I have this fancy thought that if I keep reading chick-lit, I may end up writing one, and dont want to be writing chick-lit, not sure why! )...so started reading "The sweetest dream" by Doris Lessing.
It is interesting that if I think of the actual story there is nothing great or interesting about it, but when am reading I thoroughly enjoy. I havent been able to put my finger on what makes it so absorbing a read. I wonder. But then I left the book in Bangalore. All evening whenever I thought of reading I wanted this book! Whims, I tell you!

-My weight is optimum, but my tummy seems annoying. Need to do some ab crunches. Point noted.

- Had a long gossipy chat with sibling. Rarity these days. Hmmm feeling good.. :)

Confusions....

There are very few times in life when I have felt that I did things like they were the most natural things to do. Felt like a flow. What was common in them was that these appeared wishful to begin with, it did not matter if the ways of realising them was unclear or unknown at the time, but they just seemed like things I wanted and kept thinking about them on and off, weighing the possibilities, dreaming, threatening(to my optimistic self) to give up the idea only to come back and dwell on it a little later. After realising them, some in forms I had perceived and some in others, it sometimes makes me wonder how did I get to want it in the first place!

When what you wanted happens to you, that process would have used your energies in a focused way, either consciously or not so consciously. And you feel grateful. There is a pleasure in applying yourself. Initially if you imagine achieving what you wanted, when the path is unclear, you most likely imagine pride. But when things happen, through effort, planning, it is most likely to make you humble in those moments, just thankful that some of "you" was "usefully" applied!

When you taste these humbling experiences, you want more of yourself to be applied to things that matter to you. There is this crazy desire to make more sense of your being. But there may be times when you do not know what next, when there is no deep desire you know of, which can use up all of you at the moment. You want stillness to hear any voice inside your head to tell you what next. The restlessness doesnt help. 

Even with distractions of people, hobbies, etc in those moments of solitary meditation, the same question of your purpose and being begin to gnaw. It is probably just a matter of acknowledging that such a feeling exists and that it is normal and continue to do what you were anyway doing. Also have an action plan to try something new in that direction(there will be clues, just be on a look out, when things ring a bell, take note) that may lead you some place you want to be.

And it is important to stay foolish and believe that there is something in the future that will use all the energy that you wanted channelised, to be used in a way that would be very satisfying, that feels like the flow and add that "meaning" to life! :)

P.S: I dont know if would make sense to an older me years from now! Should I be even wishing it does, I don’t know!! :P