A thought occurred to me and the reluctance to put it down in words could
not be successfully passed off and so I had to write it down. It is rare that
such a thing happens.
The thought is that - 'I could
end up alone' is not pessimistic. It is usually followed by "I could die
alone"! But somehow things did not take melodramatic turns today. The
second statement may just be a logical conclusion to the first, but it is
enough to engulf me in self pity and make me sad. And tell me, who dies in
company?! I seemed more realistic today. As in, the thought is just a
possibility, like anything else in life. And as far as I can remember, for the
first time I am thinking about it as a matter of factly and not with a sad
heart. Many friends who know me wonder why I have not found a companion, I come
across as an optimist(sometimes too optimistic for some peoples' taste!),
friendly, jovial and mostly good-natured. Even I, mostly perceive myself so. But
there is a high possibility that I may truly be all this but may not have that
key ingredient to be with a companion. It may just not be in my nature,
so I may not even be aware, that such a thing does not exist! And somehow today
it seems more like an observation than a passing sulking thought. And I seem to
be at peace with the thought - if it is so, so be it. Usually the moment I get
such thoughts, I label them "bad" and try to banish them by trying to
"cheer" myself up and think "positively". But today there
seemed nothing necessarily negative about the thought and I entertained
and played with the idea for a while and got out of it without a
"depressing feeling".
I may not have facebook-worthy happiness to flaunt, but I am at peace and
minding my own business, and the fact that I can actually appreciate other
peoples "facebook-worthy" happiness without pangs of anxiety or
jealously seems a big deal. I do not know if this is a passing mood or the
wisdom to acknowledge the ways of life, but it seems to be an ok place to be.
The two most resistive ideas that made me wonder if I really want to put
these thoughts down were a) if I continue this train of thought, what if I end
up getting really depressed? b) if I put these thoughts down, what if they come
true - as in what if I end up being alone, while my deepest desire is to be
happy with a wonderful companion. I wanted to tell myself that it was ok to
think through possibilities and thinking about it in such a way would cause me
no harm. I also wanted the future me to know that I was ok back then, which is
now! :)
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