September 22, 2009

Simple..

After so many years of having various kinds of dreams about life, I suddenly wished and actually visualised a small bit of my future and just hoped thats how it turns out. I will improvise it run time to make it feel good while I write it as well. It was simple. It was a nice saturday evening, in a monsoon month. There was a light drizzle, not annoying, not really drenching us. Just chilly enough to keep us close. The streets were calm, unlike the weekdays. I was walking with him and we were going to Rangashankara to watch a play...

August 24, 2009

Festive feeling

I used to have this strange inertia towards festivals. I used to like the buying new dresses, wearing them and feasting part of the festivals. But getting up really early, taking oil bath, sit through the long prayer session with my mother reading mantras from one book after another. And not having breakfast till the pooja is over - this again depended on when the Rahukaala(not auspicious time) fell on that day. There is something about doing the rituals that makes me slightly uneasy.

Today I celebrated the Gouri Ganesha festival here. I woke up early, that is for a Sunday! I could have brushed and had cereals. I chose to take bath, wore a chudidar and started making neivedya(some sweet as an offering to god). Made akki payasa(rice pudding), did pooja, just said a prayer, burnt incense sticks and played ganesh bhajans on my laptop. Offered some fruits and the payasa to god and had brunch feast - pulav, curry, payasa. The whole thing was just my way of celebrating a festival and I liked it, terms and conditions were bare minimum. Liked something about the whole thing and had a great feeling about the festival.

There is one thing about Ganesh Chaturthi that I remember from childhood. On the festival, one should not see the moon. The story goes that when Lord Ganesha was going on his vehicle-rat, the Moon laughed at the sight since he found it comical. Lord Ganesha became angry and cursed him that on Ganesha Chaturthi, if someone sees the moon, that person will get blamed for some kind of theft that he did not do. So one should not see the moon on Ganesh Chaturthi. Incase you do as a redemption you need to listen to this story, this is what is believed. In my neighbourhood, the story used to get read later in the evening so that all the “sinners” who watched the moon get to attend this session. It used to be really long. There was one mischievous boy in my locality. If by mistake he saw the moon, he would make sure every kid in the street saw the moon, so that he had company to hear the story! I used to warn myself, not to see him rather than the moon on Ganesh Chaturthi! Now when I look back it makes me smile.

August 10, 2009

Some more cleansing…

When I first came to know I had to also clean the toilet sometimes here, since people who stay with me also take turns to do it, no maid comes over to clean it - it was like “no way“. So had I never cleaned a toilet before, well it now looks almost shameful to admit, but - “No”. I couldn’t understand how I would do it. It was not about not knowing how to clean it, it was about “me” and “cleaning the toilet”. Somehow something felt out of place. I put on the gloves and felt the smell of the cleaning agent was very strong and suffocating. I cringed at the thought. I just told myself it had to be done and so do it as fast as possible and be done with it. Ever since, I have cleaned the toilet a few times, but now I don’t cringe at the thought. It is just another chore. Last time I cleaned it, I took a good look and took some pride at my literally neat job. It has in its own way cleaned me of some notions which I dint need in life - anyways!

June 23, 2009

On myself

I got a reminder for some networking site from God-knows-which-link, I usually ignore such mails, but for a change went to it, I checked and found that I had written this about myself :

"Am very cool, honest, responsible. And am quite polite and never politically correct! There are very few things in the world I am scared of; love my family, have great friends and love music, reading, writing. Have a great urge to see places..."

I mostly find myself self doubting and unsure about most things, but when I write something about myself, I appear to be so perfectly sure, I wonder how. I wonder why. At a later point when I read it, it looks most amusing to me! I wonder why. I wonder how.

May 11, 2009

Happy mother's day!

I was telling my mother about someone who works with me, and referred to him as a "foreigner". My mother asked me which country he comes from and when I told her he is an American, she pointed out that I am the "foreigner" and not him! I felt immensely proud of her, I have always felt, I admire her for her intelligence, her kindness, her affection, her attention to detail, her reasoning, her individuality, her courage, her strength, her patience, how she respects people for what they are rather than what they do for a living. There are several times when I have told her she cannot understand this and that, like when I speak about my work and she asks me questions. She tells me she cannot understand only those things that she has no interest in or has no use for, but everything else she can. She is very confident in her expression, so very right in her attitude. I always used to get irritated when she used to force a friend to have something to eat or drink when they come home, she even offers coffee to the milk-man on cold mornings - I now understand this is what is being human all about.
She has always been there for me, every single time I needed her. I have only grown proud of her with time. As far as I understand it, being my mother is a tough job. When I was a kid, our maid servant's daughter used to come and wait for her mother in our backyard. My mother used to give her some snacks while she waited. Her nick name was "Putty"( which means "little one" in Kannada, and sometimes my dad refers to me like that). So if at all my mother used to call her "Putty" I used to create a ruckus! The only other kid my mother could show any affection was my sibling. No one else. Years later when our pet dog used to bark uncontrollably when my mother used to just talk to our neighbour's new pet pup from our garden(oh yes, we do "talk" to our pets), his reactions used to remind me of myself! She forgave us both heartily for it.

And I love my mother for letting me be whatever I am. I call her Amma, ammu, ammi, maaaa, mom, and sometimes by her name! I love her name, and I bet if someone heard both our names and had to guess which name is the daughter's, they would probably think hers was!(Oh yes, mine is such an old fashioned name!) Amma, I love you.

Happy mothers' day to all!

May 05, 2009

Recession…

What good recession has done to us:

1. Going green. All the hoopla about conservation, environment – well how about saying being environmentally friendly is being nice on our pockets. The environmentalists had been shouting from the rooftops and not many corporates even took notice – now that energy conversation means lesser electricity bills, saving money by recycling etc everyone is getting the message! Just see the change! If you are a business, not going green can mean going green with envy to see your competition making more money. Years ago I used to wonder where we are going.Now I know we are on track!

2. Ever paused and thought about your money. Especially in India among my generation, saving for rainy day seemed almost mythical. Savings seemed to be something that old fashioned people(read parents) did! Saving was never a discussion to be done openly. You would probably get ridiculed if you mention saving, planning etc when economy was going great! What seemed to be a private matter(savings!) is now public, people, ads, media, forums talk saving. Its not out of fashion to be talking about saving money! I used to think US of A was leading the world in teaching consumerism, but I see a lot of awareness being created on saving, and ads boasting of frugality!

3. A couple of years ago, I used to wonder -look at our banks, the way things never looked up, the way overseas banks seemed to give so many benefits, so little guarantees sought. Our folks only seemed to be so painfully old fashioned. I somehow could not understand how they planned to survive against such competition that any customer would find irresistible. There you go! Boom –the bank that used to exist yesterday is now gone! No one knows how or why! Again, it turns out that it’s the “values” that really weren’t in their right places and brought down whatever!

Being middle class in India, means being weighed down by “values”. You like it or not, you have to take it. There were times when I was almost sure it could take us nowhere. I don’t claim to be the most honest person or the fairest or never to have done anything wrong– but there were sometimes when I played fair and lost the game, now when I look back they don’t even seem like disappointments, but at a certain age – certain things seem big and important - I had felt cheated. I would tell my mother – had she not taught me the crap(I meant “values”) I would have been far more successful!

I somehow feel all the disappointment melt, and in fact some “joy” when I put all the “blame” of my not making something on my mother. She gives me that knowing smile followed by an affectionate hug, which probably make all those disappointments worthwhile! Haha. Opps, now I almost homesick!

The bottom line is "values" are here to stay, you like them or not, you stick by them or not! When going gets tough, the tough get going!

May 01, 2009

Jeezzz….

I suddenly find myself wondering will I really get to meet someone who is “made for me”. I sometimes don’t feel great when I see people I know talking about their “love”. I wonder when will I get my turn. Whenever I thought I was in love, it seemed its pure imagination! Now it makes me smile, but I would be greatly be disappointed at my own findings then! A couple of time I thought of “risk”ing to take the chance, I never was able to take it! So I guess I don’t think arranged marriages kill the fantasy of “finding” the right person. I know what kind of a person I do not want to spend the rest of my life, but do I really know what kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. And when some married people crib about all the difficulties, I wonder if they can be true! Just today someone told me, I am so lucky to be single. For God’s sake can someone also tell me why? They tell me to enjoy as long as it lasts, but what is “it“? :) I think it’s a nice feeling to have someone fully for myself, hopefully every feeling I feel matters to him, the smile on my face would matter to him. I tell myself I have better things to do, but sometimes I let my mind wander, wonder about these things, sometimes it makes me happy hoping - he probably sings well, may share reading interest with me and so on, sometimes it makes me sad. I wonder if the sadness is true or wallowing in some kind of self pity at someone’s “sympathetic” comments! It is more like - “who cares, it will happen when it is meant to happen, I cant be sad hoping one day someone will make me very happy forever, I have to find my own happyness and live it! So let me keep having fun..When that my “someone special” comes along will just have more fun.”..But sometimes like now, I want to be sad(Oh damn it!)...

April 29, 2009

Until...

There are somethings you do for the first time, and until then you were never sure you could do such things. Like,

1. I dint know I could watch three movies in a row, until last saturday. I watched "Life is beautiful", "Pursuit of happyness" and "Forrest Gump" (After the first two, especially during the second one throughout which I had a lump in my throat, Forrest Gump was a relief in several ways!) They were all amazing movies!

2. I was never sure I could walk normally with a pair of shoes with pointed heels(about 2.5 inches) until I bought one two weeks ago! God bless me!

And there are others, which even after the several times, keep coming back and make you wonder. Like,

3. From past 3-4 weeks I had not managed to read a book completely. I would read half way and then just not complete, I was wondering if it had anything to do with the number of movies I was watching, until I picked up "the curious incident of the dog in night-time" - quite a mouthful, but quite interesting and my reading levels are back to normal - I am relieved that my romance with literature is still alive!

4. I thought I wasnt missing home so much also, until I asked my father on sunday if he still went to have idly-vada at that restaurant on sundays when I used to accompany him for a walk in the morning and then pester him to have idly-vada with me(I dont know what is with my dad and his stubbornness of not having breakfast till he takes a bath! He needs a lot of persuasion, but then I am as stubborn as him!)

5. I was thinking I dint have much to write on the blog these days, until...

April 19, 2009

My cooking trivias!

I made "Akki rotti"(rice rotti) today. Yuhooooo! So whats the big deal. I thought this was a difficult stuff to make, the way I have seen it done at home, looks like a lot of effort. It tastes yummy with all the curries, but is a lot of trouble. I cheated on the procedure, but who cares, it more or less turned out to be akki rotti. I have never felt so good about this aspect of life. Now I can think of something, try cooking it and enjoy it. I had never cooked n my life till this Jan - yes, three months ago I had no clue if I could cook! It appeared pathetic. You cannot have food outside all the time - one, because you have limited choices as a vegetarian and have to keep thinking of different restaurants almost everyday in order not to get bored, two- because unlike in Bangalore, here looks like an expensive affair! But as a rule, every friday my lunch group at office go out to some new restaurant for lunch, we try not to repeat, unless someone wants to have something so badly that we have to!

The cooking experience has been hilarious. Google zindabad! I kinda have a theoretical idea on the procedure, but google helps in finding the exact details. I try even north Indian stuff, but whenever I do the tadka(seasoning) I use mustard by mistake, I dont know how I do that, definitely not practise! I was teaching my roomie to make coconut chutney yesterday. She did it all by herself, but was checking with me if she was doing it right. She cooks really well, but does not know south Indian stuff(and I thought all over India, people have dosa with chutney! how very ignorant of me!). Then I asked to her to put tadka as that adds to the flavor. I was away for some time and when I am back the chutney is on the stove! Oh-my-gaud! I switched off the stove and asked her what was she trying to do - why the hell is chutney on the stove? I could not believe my own ears - she was trying to remove the extra water! It may be the funniest thing i would have heard, but she was serious! Its strange to find some things that you knew all your life, and there is this someone who does not know. That is probably why I put mustard in the tadka every time! And I got compliments for pouring the dosa batter well on the "tava"! She asked me how do I do it so well. I have done the dosa from the batter for many years now - wonder if that qualifies for cooking!

Aaaaaaaah monday morning!

Morning I woke up so very late. I had gone to some colleague’s kid’s birthday party(I seriously wonder “how” I even get invited to kid’s parties, it was not a direct invite, my roomie needed company and she got me invited!) So there I was playing with so many kids, some toddlers even. Kids seem to take to me like ducks to water. Ya, knowing well that they head back to their homes and me to mine at the end of all of it, I like to spend time with kids this way. So I thoroughly enjoyed myself, played, ate, got exhausted and slept like a rock. Morning I wake up to see I am late. Oh my god! And not a soul at home, everyone has gone to office. I panicked, then relaxed, then again panicked, got out of bed, worked out mentally whats the fastest way of doing things to catch the next bus. When I was brushing I found myself very angry with my room mate, there I was last night attending the party for her, but could she not have bothered to wake me up in the morning. Damn everyone. I ofcourse had enjoyed myself, but …Oh god, all my thoughts had taken over 3 minutes of my time and I was still holding the brush and moving gently all the time. I cursed myself, because I take a long time to brush and cant do it in a hurry. I decided in the next ten minutes am dressed and ready. It took me another four minutes more than my estimate, but I pulled my socks and jacket, searched for the house key. And my shoes seem to have some problem when I am in a hurry. Could see the bus coming, from the glass of the balcony and ran like crazy.(Every time I run like this for the bus along the way I remember Shah RukhKhan running in some movie with a long over coat with a bag on his shoulder, in some dumb movie I cant remember the name, but I remember he looked awesome, my coat is not long but even I have a bag on my shoulder, but I somehow remember that scene every time I am running for the bus. It makes me feel from the other side he may be coming running – damn it - a very wrongly timed thought that just pops up…huh almost everytime!). The bus goes all the way down my road, takes a U turn and comes in front of my apartment and there is another stop at a few minutes’ walk. I ran to that one, caught the bus finally. I was somehow disturbed. This is not a way to start my Monday morning. I watched movies over the weekend, dint do the laundry, ironing stuff – on top of it partied. I should be responsibly enjoying my weekend. I don’t have maids to do everything. I cant be wearing smelly socks and un-ironed clothes. I will have to take some time off every day to plan for the next, for the rest of the week. Damn it! Oops I was hungry. But the bus ride somehow soothes me and within minutes I had closed my eyes and enjoying the speed of the vehicle on the freeway!
Then I headed to Starbucks got myself a hot chocolate, at 9am my stomach was rumbling empty. A few sips of it at my desk and I was sane and at peace. I suddenly felt a joy of realization. Here I am, with no one to blame, every action of mine is only my own doing. In Bangalore it was different, I wonder why, but it was different. But here not many attachments, everything is more or less logical. So blame it all on myself. But anything good I do is also all mine. I have never been my own responsibility to this extent. Never. It is not going to last forever I know. So have fun as long as it lasts. One last time I want to say “Damn it all” and take a deep breath. Now am good to go and have a great day. (A big smile on my face)


p.s: this was written last monday!

March 22, 2009

Clear lines...

One thing about the US that I have really liked is the amount of interference that people do in anybody else's life. Your life is your business, exactly how it should be.

March 11, 2009

Minne...hahaha

Have you seen a whole water fall frozen? Like milky white blocks of ice standing stiff? It looks funny. Had been to the Minnehaha falls last weekend, isn't the name itself funny? Its not a big falls, not like our Jog falls. But the sight was one I will remember for a long time to come. Stiff ice standing several feet above the ground level, and some stream of water trickling down, the only hint that it is could be a water fall. After several weeks of getting bored of snow, finally there was something amusing to check out!

March 09, 2009

Happy Women's Day!!!

Saw the date of the last post and was wondering if instead of an hour, had I lost a day itself? Then realised the blog still shows Indian time. And since its still March 8th in this part of the World, here is wishing everyone a very 'Happy Women's day". Thanks to all fellow-women for making the world such a nice place to be. Thanks to those women, who guide us through our lives, who cook, clean and make a family what it is, for the sheer love and determination to bring out the best in the family, society and the world in general. For all the love and affection and for showing it. And to all men, who make all this worthwhile.

Saving? Really?

I had always believed myself to be an early riser(Ok, if seven, eight and nine is early). In the sense that even when I go to bed really late in the night I used to wake by seven or eight in the morning, and read newspaper. This would be followed by breakfast(hmm I did brush!), to which my father was always not pleased about. He has slowly grown to accept the fact that it is not much use asking me to do otherwise on a sunday. The problem was, if I sleep late I have to make up for it sometime. If one takes a bath, it would be almost impossible to get into bed around 11am! Yes, so getting up late is just not me.

When I woke up today, I just stumbled for the mobile, which doubles up as my bedside clock, the time was 11am! I just freaked out. How could it be, yes I was reading a book late last night, but I slept like a rock till 11am? I trekked a bit yesterday, and there was some amount of exhaustion, but how can be 11am? And most of all why did my stomach not rumble! With all the questions in my head, I realised I had not called home and they may have slept waiting for my call(You see, I am an early riser, because I come from a family of people who go to bed early!). Cursing the world in general for my waking up late I called up home and hurriedly explained why I called in almost-the-middle-of-night and ended the call early, to help my folks get back to bed. Then after a good fifteen minutes, I realised that the clock of the microwave and my wrist watch were showing 10.15 instead of 11.15 that my mobile was showing. It seemed strange, suddenly it registered. Aha, so its the daylight saving that had kicked in, and played a practical joke on me! I called up home to explain that I had really not woken up late(ok ten-ish is not so late on a sunday, please dont ask then how can eleven-ish be so late, somehow psychologically, eleven is late!). I somehow am feeling someone has just robbed a sunday off me! I have lunch at 3pm, while it was actually supposed to be 2pm, its 8.30pm now and why the hell have I got to cook the sunday dinner so early. Hmm if you take the trouble of going all the way to Rome, why not be Roman for as long as you stay there!

March 08, 2009

Disney land goes ice skating!

I had been to this amazing show called “Disney on ice”. It had all these Disney characters ice skating! I heard it was supposed to be a kids show, and that had only convinced me to go. Found a bunch of enthusiastic colleagues who also wanted to join. So there we went and had a ball of a time. I recollected all the classic fairy tale stories that were animated as Disney movies. Snow white, Cinderella, Pinocchio, Alladdin, Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Goofy, Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, Little mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Loin king…and the list goes on. Even the Incredibles were there! There were some characters I could not identify. I was wondering if they had come to life after I grew out of school!

Each famous story was enacted for a few minutes through dance. The sound effect and lighting effect were amazing. Very elegant music. The lyrics were simple and clearly audible, they clearly knew their target audience. The dancers seemed amazingly in control and not a single slip or fall. In some performances, the dancer would come at a crashing speed to the border and then take a beautiful turn to change the direction. I had seen ice skating on TV, but to see it in real was really wonderful. I was hooting, cheering and clapping whenever I liked anything, and trust me it was often enough.

There were many kids(of course it was meant for them!). Many people had accompanied their kids and grand kids, which was indeed so very nice, and the whole big stadium, yes it was holding several thousands of people, was cheering for their favourite Disney characters after each performance. Some kids had come dressed in some costumes and it was nice to see them so enthusiastic. As we could not get the tickets for the shows earlier in the day, we got the one at 7pm. Many kids who were making all noise at the start of the show had quieten down and almost asleep by the end of it! Like in any fair, in any part of the world, there were vendors selling candies, masks, crowns, pop corn. I almost for those couple of hours allowed myself to be a kid, completely and it felt very good.

February 22, 2009

Piece of mind...

Given a choice I always seem to pick peace of mind over anything else. I wonder if that is a strength or am I being an escapist. Wish I knew a third option!

February 16, 2009

Oooooops!!!

When you look back at some of the "blunders" you did, you probably end up laughing at them.We were doing our final semester project in IISc, Bangalore. We had to test our equipment ona vehicle and the prof under whom we were doing the project had a research person under him,who would help us by lending his car for a few times for our experiments. It so happened we needed a CRO for measurements and we took one, we used an UPS for the power supply. We took it all from Tumkur, and after getting into his car and getting our sensors set up, we realised we had not got the cable to connect the CRO to the UPS. Hell broke loose.The person probably thought we were just a bunch of careless youngsters fooling around at IISc and and gave us a sound blasting. When things got better, and we showed some good progress in the project,we became good friends is all together another matter. But that day me and my friends were shell shocked and thought that was the end of our project there. But as it turns out i have a good laugh whenever I remember it!

So why did I recollect all this today... I had made kesari bhath and had kept it to warm for a second serving. After serving myself, forgot to switch off the stove! I went out and came back after 20 mins to see it all black! Oh my god, how very careless of me, what if a fire had started, what if...Thank god for it.Right now I am somewhat shocked at my doing. You should have seen the container to understand. It was pitch dark inside. Hope I can laugh at it someday...

February 14, 2009

Spring around the corner?

All good things in life make me wait is it? I wonder...I have patience for things that I least expect I may have for and highly impatient for other things. But there is one thing that strangely keeps me going. Hope. I most often am very positive on the outside, but there are always negative thoughts lurking beneath when am about to choose, or make up my mind. Then there is yet another inner voice which I hear, but rarely, that always has a made up mind, so positive, that when I look back I wonder if it is me! I am confused, confident, smart, dumb, and sometimes all these just in a span of few moments. Introspection just began when I was gazing outside the bus window. The change in the landscape seemed to gradually register. All the black and white of the snow giving way to other colors. Birds chirping. Squirrels running past in the garden. I saw hope and smiled. I saw my own contempt for the snow melt! It looks like the snow only makes the place more fertile, more prepared for the lives beneath to "spring" back to life with greater viguor. All the confusion, chaos and the storms will still the mind and make it prepared for more happier things, bright and nice, hopefully!

January 24, 2009

Aaaaah well....

I was suddenly all ears today in the bus today. I just heard 2 people on my right speak in Kannada. I could not help smiling, but unlike Americans we dont say a "hi" to strangers and smile so easily at strangers I feel. Back home we treat strangers just like that - strangers! Not so quite strange! I was happy, just-plane-happy. I kept smiling seeing outside the window. I had not imagined such simple things like hearing my mother tongue in a strange land makes me happy. I wonder why I kept telling myself for the last few years that I had to go far beyond home atleast once in my lifetime and see as much of a new country as possible. I am not sure who or what was stopping me from seeing my own country. But I had never promised myself to know the value of all those that, that made my home and that made me feel at home. This was surely a bonus!

I feel completely out of place(Oops! oh yes I am!) several times, but I smile and move on. I need to learn how things work, how the system works, how people interact and a hundred more things.
I am learning and I am unlearning. It is tiring at times, leaving all that, that was familiar and learning old things the new way. It is fun sometimes. But it is an experience for sure.

America America…

So finally I am where I wanted to be for quite a couple of years. The United States of America. Now I had these crazy ideas that I would be very happy being here – well not very sure why. Yes after being here for about three weeks now I have grown as a person for sure. I, who had not even taken a domestic flight to anywhere changed four flights, saw as many airports and travelled for more than 36 hours. And all by myself. I mean there were other people in the plane, but none that I knew of. And I did a pretty good job for a first-timer. I did not lose any baggage or miss any flight! I saw snow fall in real, for the first time in my life. It was weird. I had imagined it somewhat different. I am surprised at my ability to take sub zero temperatures, one day it was close to -25 degree centigrade. In Minneapolis, that is not so uncommon.

Now I am a pretty decent cook, and may be more organized. I have seen only snow for the last 3 weeks. Hope to see more colours(I still cant get “color” the American way!) and more Sun!

Must Dos to remain sane...

1. Mind your own business. You do not run the show and have no control of what happens, give your best and keep going. 2. Read books. Rea...