Confusions....

There are very few times in life when I have felt that I did things like they were the most natural things to do. Felt like a flow. What was common in them was that these appeared wishful to begin with, it did not matter if the ways of realising them was unclear or unknown at the time, but they just seemed like things I wanted and kept thinking about them on and off, weighing the possibilities, dreaming, threatening(to my optimistic self) to give up the idea only to come back and dwell on it a little later. After realising them, some in forms I had perceived and some in others, it sometimes makes me wonder how did I get to want it in the first place!

When what you wanted happens to you, that process would have used your energies in a focused way, either consciously or not so consciously. And you feel grateful. There is a pleasure in applying yourself. Initially if you imagine achieving what you wanted, when the path is unclear, you most likely imagine pride. But when things happen, through effort, planning, it is most likely to make you humble in those moments, just thankful that some of "you" was "usefully" applied!

When you taste these humbling experiences, you want more of yourself to be applied to things that matter to you. There is this crazy desire to make more sense of your being. But there may be times when you do not know what next, when there is no deep desire you know of, which can use up all of you at the moment. You want stillness to hear any voice inside your head to tell you what next. The restlessness doesnt help. 

Even with distractions of people, hobbies, etc in those moments of solitary meditation, the same question of your purpose and being begin to gnaw. It is probably just a matter of acknowledging that such a feeling exists and that it is normal and continue to do what you were anyway doing. Also have an action plan to try something new in that direction(there will be clues, just be on a look out, when things ring a bell, take note) that may lead you some place you want to be.

And it is important to stay foolish and believe that there is something in the future that will use all the energy that you wanted channelised, to be used in a way that would be very satisfying, that feels like the flow and add that "meaning" to life! :)

P.S: I dont know if would make sense to an older me years from now! Should I be even wishing it does, I don’t know!! :P