Religious? Don't think so...

I sometimes wonder if I am really spiritual. I have a way of philosophizing life and making it easy to digest and be hopeful. But can I follow practices every single day and have a connection with the higher form of existence you would call God? I dont think so. I lack the discipline and the bent of mind.

As a kid I used to be clumsy with most things, particularly when someone is watching. During festivals, my mother used to watch over me when I went near the puja room so that I do not spill stuff and be careful and that sort. I somehow developed a dislike for religious things. If I needed watching over I would rather not want to be doing it. It is not like I dont pray or believe in God. It actually depends in the frame of mind I am in.  There have been times when I have tried to prove I can be religious and all, but truly I am not. I can concentrate and pray for a few seconds. Beyond that my thoughts drift to how that kumkum is making my finger tips dry and how I want to wash it off quickly, or all those flowers used for the decoration, that lizard on the wall, that dozing uncle at the far corner of the temple, how sweaty and uncomfortable the traditional dress makes me feel, then the thoughts go far beyond the temple and God to mundane stuff like did I pay that bill, was the geyser switched off, "oh I am already hungry..how long will this go on for" and what not....

They say as people grow older they become more spiritual or when people face difficulties they get more inclination towards God. I am not sure. Somewhere earlier I was making that effort to try and be religious, but that I feel is beyond me. Sometimes in difficult times I would rather drown myself in a good book than sit and pray or meditate. For me when I am happy I would like to read something, when I am sad I would surely want to read something. May be spirituality is not for book worms. On the lighter note,  may be because of all the spiritual books I read as a kid for a few years, I tend to philosophize a great deal. So it has always been about reading then...

If rituals are to be followed, it is better I understand why. If you want to pour milk, ghee, curd, tender coconut on the stone deity and hope to appease the God, I have no complaints. I can watch it and to an extend enjoy the sight. But if you expect me to be doing it, I wonder why. And I seriously question my ability to believe in such things and follow them unquestioningly day after day. That is just not me.  

Finally catching up with Potter...

Just when the Harry Potter series was getting started and becoming a rage, a friend suggested me to read it. She was actually my teacher in primary school, who became a good friend when I moved to high school :) I was trying to act like a big girl not getting carried away with reading children's books, like it was beneath me! Then I kept the book for a few days and returned it to her after a few false starts. Magic, wizards felt so childish.

So now in my 30s when I have no need to prove that am indeed a big girl, I started reading Harry Potter series on my Kindle and am hooked. Again it was a sweet friend of mine who insisted that I read them. She had read those as a kid and loved them. She is in her 20s and insisted that I would love them. We share similar tastes of movies and other books, but still I wasnt sure. She kept up with her recommendation on and off and somehow I finally budged and now am so grateful.

When am reading and someone asks me which book is it, I still feel a bit resentful to say am reading the series for the first time ever and so late. Sometimes people assume I am re-reading it and I gratefully nod in agreement.

The books of the series are well written, have a good flow, keep you engrossed and hooked.  The plot is quite strong, the language beautiful and very interesting observations about human nature and behaviour thrown in with wit and humor. There are all kinds of characters, lots of interesting twists, and disasters when you least expect. That makes for a good reading material overall.

As it turns out am younger than Harry Potter. So yeah, I feel good about that. Dont ask me how does that matter!  :) 

What life...

No one tells you as a kid what to expect from life when you grow up. As a kid you fancy that adults have a lot of freedom, can do anything with their lives, it is so much fun and what not...Then you grow up with all eagerness and find out it is not that great after all. Being a kid and going to school was far more fun.

You have responsibilities to live by, rat races to run, bills to pay, peer pressure to get more successful at work which sometimes you happen to be doing solely for the money, financial pressures to pay those EMIs, social and cultural pressures to get married and have children at a "certain" age defined by random people we call "society"....Really? This shit is what being an adult was all about! Oh my god, did I waste a good number of hours as a kid hoping to quickly grow up and have such kind of fun! huh!?

What about having some real fun and being happy, travelling the world, and living for myself, not for parents, spouse or children, just myself? What about it, where is that person I was so much confident of being when I started out as an adult?

Being at peace is so very vital for my being that may be somewhere I hide my disappoints by trying to love everything about the way life is now. I keep hoping for magic to happen and that dreamy eyed child in me is still so very hopeful that it breaks my adult heart to confess that this is all life may be after all.
Being an adult is the dullest part of life.