Small life..

I scribble my thoughts here and there, and now am doing some cleanup as I am about to step into a new change in life. I found this and felt like preserving it - "I feel I have a strong need to create a purpose, a task, a kind of commitment that takes my time, my energy and in turn gives me more energy and zest to live life. " And I had curiously titled it “small life”!

PubLish…

When am about to click the publish button to upload a post, I wonder what amount of freedom technology has bestowed us. I have read about struggles of authors trying to find publishers to reach the reader. But here we are today, at our own whim and click of a button “publishing” happens! There was a time I wishfully wanted to be a publisher, so that I could read many books for free!
Am reading this wonderful book called “The black swan” by Taleb in the genre – Economics and Philosophy – quite a heady combination but thoroughly entertaining. I also picked up “Emma” by Jane Austin yesterday and am already hooked. I had been wanting to read a Jane Austin from sometime now. I take longer to complete books these days, but at least am reading is what makes me happy. :)

Summer vacation is here…

Long time since my last post….
As I walk to catch my office bus these days do not find the usual business in the mornings. The girl who smiles at me as she waits for her school bus, the smaller kids playing with each other while their parents talk, all waiting for the school buses- all these people seem to be taking a break and enjoying vacation! Miss those summer holidays! When I was a kid I used to wonder sometimes how much fun the adults have, since they have a lot of control and no dependency, as an adult you don’t need to "listen" to your parents, do as you please, have no exams etc. But now I can’t believe am envying school kids! :) Such is life…

Hmm one thing am excited about is my new smart phone- Samsung Ace. Looks cool. So many features, wonder how much of it I will use.. :) Am enjoying watching videos and hope to catch the semi final match on Wednesday. Just hope India wins and goes to the final! Fingers crossed.

KP trekking...

I had gone trekking for 3 days to Kumara Parvatha and there was not much talking I could do with my mom, as the cell phones do not get any signals in the area. My mom said in the last 3 days she missed me more than when I was in US. Mmmmm I love my mom!

Dream of the Benzene ring kind...

Having a sprain is one thing. Having the sprain at the same wrist after visiting the doctor and not heeding to precautions to be taken is another thing. So with an injection mark on the sprained wrist and the discomfort it was causing for even slight movements I had dozed off while I was trying to read the Saturday issue of the newspaper. I seemed to be in sound sleep when I was woken up by a phone call. I answered not entertaining the caller for too long, as in a few seconds, hung up. Then set the pillows from reclining to sleep mode and got the blanket covered. I seemed to have slept light this time, had a dream and am not sure after how long I woke up,
but this time I had an answer for a question that had been haunting me for a while and I had no doubts about my conclusion. When I had read about how benzene ring representation was figured out back in pre-university days, I was skeptical about if one could get answers in dreams. I had some similar experiences earlier, but I had difficulties remembering the dream and what I had concluded and it was never so obvious. The conclusion was not something that made me elated. It was real and like real things often are, it was hard to accept and appreciate readily. But I did feel dizzy once I had realised that I knew the answer now!

Rajni…

I watched Rajni’s “Enthiran”(“Robot” in Hindi) on the second day of its release in the theater last week! It was a first for me in many ways including the fact that I had not seen a Rajni movie till date(I know, what a shame!) that too in Tamil. I had seen “Hum” but he wasn’t the typical Rajni in that.

Drama queen…

I just felt sometimes I see life as a series of hours that I need live, and sometimes I am just glad its passing off. You want something, you get something else, you want something, when you get it you wish it was something else, you see something, you perceive something else. The more I think about it, for some strange reason I feel its all already decided like in something like a play where the characters are intelligent to do their parts without a script. Each actor can only improvise on the delivery but the flow is fixed. The end is fixed. And sometimes there is no charm in playing the role. What can the actor do? Huh time for a coffee may be.

Hazelnut coffeeee…mmm

Was feeling drowsy in the morning. So just went to have coffee and after many days I had hazelnut cappuccino(and also coffee for that matter) and it brings back some fond memories! I like the hazelnut flavor the most!

My sins against gender stereotypes..

I am not really sure what are those atypical characters that I have that are not exactly feminine. I like yellow and pink. I am not into gadgets. I like rom-coms. I watch foot ball matches if latin americans are playing (because some of them look like roman gods!). I love jewelly, clothes,perfumes,shoes,bags,clutches, shopping! But there are some of these qualities which I guess are not exactly feminine.

1.I speak my mind. I am frank and can easily give a piece of my mind.
2.I have a good sense of humour. I beg your pardon ladies, but some men wonder how can I be funny(as if women cant be). I sometimes wonder if witty and being funny even have anything to do with gender, but a few years ago I realised that women being humous sometimes does not go well with some men! Do I care? Guess what?
3.I want to run marathons, want to see places. I have travelled alone and had fun doing it. I mean I may need company for many things, but things that I really get high with I do it no matter whether I havecompany or not.
4.I am ambitious in some ways. I am very clear that people should know me for who I am and my identity is not just as someone daughter or spouse or sibling. Most south Indians while writing their names put their initials at the beginning. Even as a kid I used to write my name first and I knew why.
5.I am a total bully with my loved ones, at times.

P.S: This is in response to dewdrop’s tagging, finally!
http://dewdrop-world.blogspot.com/2010/07/my-sins-against-gender-stereotypes.html

Blue blood!

In yesterday’s newspaper I read an interesting article about Hilter having possibly descended from the same races which he considered “sub human” and wanted to eliminate! So much for the blue blood. There could be many impressions and false beliefs we have had about ourselves and the world which could be so “superficial”!

My lil buddy…

I enjoy playing with my sister’s three-year-old nephew. The other day he came and settled on my lap and started talking to me. We like each other. He asks a lot of questions. Sometimes I can answer and sometimes I end up telling him something imaginary. If I say I don’t know, he again asks why, so that’s not an option that he entertains. And I just cannot pretend I did not hear him. That day he was supposed to drink his horlicks kept on the table, when I got back from office. He asked me why should he drink horlicks. I showed him my hand and asked why his hand is not as big as mine. He took a good look at our hands and asked “Why?”. I had bought enough time to think through with my answer. I told him that was because I drank horlicks everyday and had my mumum(food in his language), and slept well – these I have heard are his tantrum areas! His next question was if he did all this would he be as tall as the ceiling fan. I said “Of course”. He asked me why I am not that tall, I said I was working on it! He sipped his horlicks and looks at his small hands to see if they had grown. I told him he can only notice changes after having the whole glass of horlicks. The trusting kid drank it all and asked me if his hands had become bigger. I showed him a small change using my index and thumb and said that there was some increase but it was small. He seemed happy that his hands and feet had become bigger, however small the change was. He showed everyone at home his new and bigger limbs. No one had a clue what he was talking about, but he clapped with joy! That was weeks ago, but even now whenever I am around and he is having something he asks me if he has grown bigger. I am just happy that I did not make up the whole thing, because the kid seems to trust me so much and he would probably not like to be taken for a ride. He is going to join school soon and I may not see him that often! Am gonna miss you buddy!

What starts right, ends right...

Whatever is started with a right intention, right feelings, for a right reason, usually ends right. With all the ups and downs that are so much a part of life, it always ends right. And the journey feels worthwhile. Start them for a wrong reason, even if you honestly, passionately work through it, and almost believe it was right, it somehow somewhere turns out to be the wrong you knew even before it all started. It seems so unfair that you put in so much of yourself into it and it just dint go right! Looks like the world acknowledges your thoughts and feelings more than yourself. On second thoughts, it all sounds funny.

I read somewhere, "Life is hard and not always fair". The passage that followed was very thoughtful. Somehow whenever I remind myself of the quote it seems to make life simple! Funny isn’t it!

Five years of blogging!

I just realized I have been a sometimes-regular-sometimes-irregular-but-anyway-alive-blogger for 5 years now! hmmmm it’s a nice feeling :)

At times...

Sometimes you live intensely. Sometimes you sit back, relax and watch your own life like something on TV. Both are fun in their own way. Sometimes you get stuck wondering about your identity, purpose, worthiness. Sometimes what the world says doesn't matter, you know it, and like never before. Sometimes you try hard to change the course of your life and end up getting disappointed. Sometimes you reluctantly give in to the current and life takes you through the most amazing experiences of your life. Sometimes you are not done yet and its already time to move on. Sometimes its just a test of endurance, the less you want the more you get. Sometimes you pause and think. And at those times it all sounds crazy. Its time for a good night's sleep.

Simple..

After so many years of having various kinds of dreams about life, I suddenly wished and actually visualised a small bit of my future and just hoped thats how it turns out. I will improvise it run time to make it feel good while I write it as well. It was simple. It was a nice saturday evening, in a monsoon month. There was a light drizzle, not annoying, not really drenching us. Just chilly enough to keep us close. The streets were calm, unlike the weekdays. I was walking with him and we were going to Rangashankara to watch a play...

hmmm

It feels so low
Isnt it time to go...

Festive feeling

I used to have this strange inertia towards festivals. I used to like the buying new dresses, wearing them and feasting part of the festivals. But getting up really early, taking oil bath, sit through the long prayer session with my mother reading mantras from one book after another. And not having breakfast till the pooja is over - this again depended on when the Rahukaala(not auspicious time) fell on that day. There is something about doing the rituals that makes me slightly uneasy.

Today I celebrated the Gouri Ganesha festival here. I woke up early, that is for a Sunday! I could have brushed and had cereals. I chose to take bath, wore a chudidar and started making neivedya(some sweet as an offering to god). Made akki payasa(rice pudding), did pooja, just said a prayer, burnt incense sticks and played ganesh bhajans on my laptop. Offered some fruits and the payasa to god and had brunch feast - pulav, curry, payasa. The whole thing was just my way of celebrating a festival and I liked it, terms and conditions were bare minimum. Liked something about the whole thing and had a great feeling about the festival.

There is one thing about Ganesh Chaturthi that I remember from childhood. On the festival, one should not see the moon. The story goes that when Lord Ganesha was going on his vehicle-rat, the Moon laughed at the sight since he found it comical. Lord Ganesha became angry and cursed him that on Ganesha Chaturthi, if someone sees the moon, that person will get blamed for some kind of theft that he did not do. So one should not see the moon on Ganesh Chaturthi. Incase you do as a redemption you need to listen to this story, this is what is believed. In my neighbourhood, the story used to get read later in the evening so that all the “sinners” who watched the moon get to attend this session. It used to be really long. There was one mischievous boy in my locality. If by mistake he saw the moon, he would make sure every kid in the street saw the moon, so that he had company to hear the story! I used to warn myself, not to see him rather than the moon on Ganesh Chaturthi! Now when I look back it makes me smile.

Some more cleansing…

When I first came to know I had to also clean the toilet sometimes here, since people who stay with me also take turns to do it, no maid comes over to clean it - it was like “no way“. So had I never cleaned a toilet before, well it now looks almost shameful to admit, but - “No”. I couldn’t understand how I would do it. It was not about not knowing how to clean it, it was about “me” and “cleaning the toilet”. Somehow something felt out of place. I put on the gloves and felt the smell of the cleaning agent was very strong and suffocating. I cringed at the thought. I just told myself it had to be done and so do it as fast as possible and be done with it. Ever since, I have cleaned the toilet a few times, but now I don’t cringe at the thought. It is just another chore. Last time I cleaned it, I took a good look and took some pride at my literally neat job. It has in its own way cleaned me of some notions which I dint need in life - anyways!

On myself

I got a reminder for some networking site from God-knows-which-link, I usually ignore such mails, but for a change went to it, I checked and found that I had written this about myself :

"Am very cool, honest, responsible. And am quite polite and never politically correct! There are very few things in the world I am scared of; love my family, have great friends and love music, reading, writing. Have a great urge to see places..."

I mostly find myself self doubting and unsure about most things, but when I write something about myself, I appear to be so perfectly sure, I wonder how. I wonder why. At a later point when I read it, it looks most amusing to me! I wonder why. I wonder how.

Shadow Play...