Transition..

Finally I have started enjoying things. Nothing much has changed. Same job, same people, same work, same old life. But I am most comfortable being myself. I no longer wish I was someone else. Yes, I still hope things can get better. I take care of myself, sleep well, treat myself with chocolates after a workout in the gym or when I have done well and streched/bent more than I thought I could in the yoga class. I no longer grudge people the way I did. "It happens" and move along. Thats one good thing about growing older. You are more in peace with being yourself. You tend to be more realistic. You know your limitations better. You know which challenges to take.

Ok,let me tell you somethings that I am really enjoying. I came early in the morning to office today and had my ever favorite vada(will I never get tired of it? hmmm), ofcourse with idli for breakfast, as usual. I was serving myself some chutney, when a guy took a spoon, then came back for another one. I smiled thinking he wanted to get a second look of me(Ya, if we havent met before, lemme tell you me is mirror breaking material...). I was just coming out of canteen. A guy was on phone and was saying "hmm 9". I again smiled to myself and was thinking "Out of?"... Ya such is life. In life changes happen, its all how you take it. There is only one thing in the world that you can really change - your attitude.

News making news...

There was a time when I was amused how dad managed to actually sit through the entire news program on national TV. I would also wonder why he watched news in all three languages (reginal, hindi and english) spaced every one hour or so. The news presenters always looked at some place where probably the lines to be read appeared. Or even better some would glance at the paper they held and read it. The best presenter used to be one, of course according to me, the one who made you feel she/he was looking at you and talking rather than actually struggling to read either from the paper or some screen. Then came the era of cable TV. Dad continued to watch the news despite strong opposition from me. I just could not figure out how he could watch that drab of a show when there were so many other things waiting to be watched. Now I am quite surprised that I end up watching a lot of news channels myself. Of course it probably runs in the family to try and keep oneself better informed about the current happenings. But I would definitely say news presenting has come a long way. Its done very effectively. These are seasoned reporters, who do their homework well, not just report but mostly do the ground work themselves. They are journalists not just presenters. The confidence shows. Amazing people, amazing shows.

A glance...

Mine was the next stop. So I went and stood in the front. She was squatting in a very awkward position in a two-seater, at the very edge of the window seat, with her legs folded, although nobody was sitting next to her. She wore a faded maroon saree with a red border. The saree was not torn or patched but seemed like someone had worn it all their life. I could not guess her age, she could not have been more than thirty. She seemed tired and it was not because of age. She was not from these parts. She glanced at me with the same natural curiosity that I was looking at her. After may be a few seconds, she again started looking out of the window. She was probably married, she wore a black beaded "sara". She wore two green glass bangles on one hand and a gold colored bangle on the other. A big stud on the nose. It must have been real heavy, although may be not as much as her heart I glimpsed(or thought I did) in those few seconds when our eyes had met. The other side of the nose was also pierced but without a ring. A small bundle of clothes tied with another cloth was at her feet. She dint seem to care much. Just before I got down the bus I realised we did have a thing in common - "occupation"!

Whatever...

What do I want? Keep thinking about it all the time. I cant find an answer. It makes me all the more restless when I try searching for an answer. Where will I find it, someone tell me whom to ask. There are times when I am sure like never before that this is what I have always wanted. But then..this is going to be a long, boring, restless, lonely journey. I have to find my own answers. But how? Things that seem to make life beautiful cannot be possessed. Happiness found doesnt seem to last. So many things knawing you all the time. I know what makes me sad, what I dont want to do. The question I cant answer is "Okay if this is not what you want, then what is it that you want?". I feel I have never been so restless before. Things that I used to like are no longer absorbing. I have to remind myself these were the things I liked, these were the people I wanted to be with, these were my dreams I was striving for. If after so much of effort in terms of time has gone in, I realize that the proverbial ladder was against the wrong wall, what do I do? I who pride on having that fine eye for details,how did I end up here? The restlessness is so bothering me, I can do anything even to just be in peace with myself for a while. I wish I could understand myself better, knew myself better. Have a feeling that I have led my life very superficially. There are very few moments..which I have actually lived in these many years of my existence. How do I fill this vaccuum? Why is it getting bigger than me? I just want to be engulfed or numbed by some great pain that will end it all. Is that what is "mukthi"? I guess brief intense pain is better than the constant annoyance of restlessness.

Movies and some masti...

Saw two movies in less than two weeks in a theater which is not that usual with me.
One was KANK. Kind of understand why people spend so much on advertising. Promos looked so good. All movies look good in promos!
I think this is the closest that the film's director has come to reality.
His older films were more like from a fairytale, I found one of it really stupid.
It was kind of bold in the sense that SRK was in a role that no one could like. As Dev he comes
across as callous, always wailing in self pity about his broken leg, the kind of feelings he has for his wife and kid,
in short he is miserable person. But the world is a crazy place. I think fortunately enough. People of all kinds can find
love and happiness. Agreed. But not after leaving so many other peoples' life in a mess. Thats very
unfortunate. Hate the way Dev treats his son. He sees him more as his wife's son than his
own. For a child to live in a world full of such eccentric adults can be difficult. He may end up
being a difficult adult. If a man carries the burden of his past he can end up screwing many lives.
The world would be a better place if we lived only in the present, not in the past or in future.

The other movie I saw was "Just my luck". A nice romantic comedy.
Its about a "very lucky" girl and an "unlucky" guy and what happens when they meet or rather kiss, and their
lucks swap! Its a little crazy. It makes you feel being unlucky is after all not that bad.

Me? sick? Oh ya...

Today I am sick. People who know me will be more than willing to agree. No I mean real sick,
I mean having a bad cold, cough, feeling the burden of the entire world in my head, having slight
fever. Ok you got it na? And to top it all I suddenly wanted to have a chocolate. I am a chocoholic and get such attacks sometimes. So I promptly went to my neighbour and told him its a question of my life and death. To save my precious life( I am sure he would beg to differ, but who cares) he needs to get me a chocolate all the way from the next tower. He said something like "get lost!". I asked if he cared for my life. He said he dint. Shameless fellow. Ok, so I told him if he wanted me to die, all he had to do was give me a bigger chocolate. He said thats expensive, he can get me some "zeher" instead. I said put it in a chocolate and give, I dont mind having it. He said he would push me down from our third floor office balcony. I told him if he gave me a chocolate I would only jump down.
Now you know how sick I can be when I get sick.

Another day...

This was written quite sometime back...felt like posting it today

Yesterday was another day to remember. Entered the third year of my professional life. Dint feel anything special although there were lots people wishing me(many of whom themselves were also completing two years). I have learnt to be far more detached, I dont get used to people the way I did, I understand my work better than I used to, my attitude to work and life have changed in the past two years. Things have changed, they must right?I celebrated it very quitely and alone in Mishti having some awesome sweets and a chaat. I had to attend a bigger party with my batchmates, somehow in the last minute I dint feel like it. I was never a party animal but always love meeting people whenever I have time for it. But yesterday it was a choice I dint regret. A quiet walk(ok a walk on a quiet street), a treat at Mishti(all by myself), some reading, and some gossiping with my roomie made it quite special. There are lots of ways to make ordinary days special(the other way is also true!).

Life these days..

Life these days seems quite different. Learnt a great many things during the last few months, some willingly and others without choice. My views on some things have drastically chaged. I prefer to call it "growth". There was a time when "what next?" seemed a very big question of which I had no answer. Today I still dont have an answer. But the question itself seems irrelevant. I see no point asking myself this question. I have loads of things to do. I have always been doing things with certain amount of passion, I continue to do so. I have never had regrets in life, never plan to. There is one thing that seems very close to my heart which I learnt from someone who helped me be what I am today. I would rather lose than quit. Keep going and keep trying. And somehow I dont like to plan things other than on the professional front. I like surprises. Life isnt that bad after all.

First pic on my blog!

It had to be these puppies!

Mishti venture

I am not very fond of sweets, particularly the ones that have the sugar syrup dripping all over. Last evening had taken a stroll with a friend. The evening was cool and breezy and we happened to pass by a famous bengali sweet shop in the locality. I had heard of the famous bengali sweet curd, but never tasted it. Its called "mishti dohi", an awesome sweet. Looks like ordinary curd which is incredibly sweet! Then tried out a chaat "dohi puri" which was also quite nice. The tinge of tamarind in the curd in it makes the taste interesting. There were so many other very sweet dishes. One thing I have noticed is when you are hungry the smell of sweets makes you more hungry, but once you feel full(one need not have a lot of bengali sweet to feel full!), the smell is not that pleasant.
The walk was meant to burn calories and both of laughed about the whole thing. And we also made an interesting observation. Right opposite the sweet shop there is a diabetic center, where one can get sugar-free stuff, even chocolates there are sugar free and there is a well known gym right next to it! Its a symbiotic existence. Together they make sure they are all in business.

Playfully...

It was late on a late saturday evening. I had just woken up. Through the open window, I saw that it was dark outside. It took me a minute to realize what time of the day it was. Everything was silent. Then suddenly I heard the sound of bangles in the garden. Very clearly, the very familiar sound of those glass bangles that I have known all my life. I called out "ammaaa". No response. Then I felt maybe I probably did not call out loud enough. This time I was fully aware and called out a loud "ammaaaaa...". Was she playfully not responding? I called out "Maa I know its you, I heard the bangles". She came into the room and smiled. She sat beside me and ran her fingers through my hair. My sleepy eyes must have been glittering with happiness. I suddenly asked her "Amma, how will my children know I am around, I dont wear bangles?" She gave me another beautiful smile of hers. That seemed to be the perfect answer, probably that was all I wanted.

Change

I read a very beautiful quote on change. It read "Change is not essential as existence is not mandatory". Its so beautiful, so true.
In life the most real thing is change, rest all is illusion. Anything that seems permanent is an illusion, like a soap bubble does not last, cannot last, should not last. Anything that we cling onto hoping it will last can only be a cause of pain. The greater the hope the deeper the hurt. One will be happiest when one is ready for changes. The best part about a frequent changes is it does not give time to get used to, or attached to anything or anybody. You become far more practical. Thats how life should be. Life goes on, like a flowing river. no one tells a river how to find its way to the sea. Its just the flow. Each of us need to find our flow and follow it. The problem begins when you check the flow,when you bottle it, when you construct a dam to use all the energy in a "more useful" way. What is "useful" for one need not be true for you. Anyways like another quote goes "there are no regrets in life, only lessons".

Finally!

After a long time our team's plan to go for an outing materialized yesterday. Finally! We all went for lunch and then a movie in PVR- Rang de basanti. Awesome movie, great songs, enjoyed a great deal. I am very curious to know what the title means...
Its so rare an occasion that I had to commemorate it with a post!

Freedom, to be

Thats what was there in this relationship that she cherished the most. She had the freedom to be herself, to show care and concern when she felt like, to just not bother when she dint feel like it, to tell him all that she wanted to, never caring once if he was interested or not. She had in fact tried to understand his thoughts. Sometimes they appeared as clear as if they were her own, sometimes he seemed so distant. But she had to tell him what she wanted to. It was her need. She hated giving explanations. But to him she told most things without his ever asking her. She knew he never will. His whys, whats and hows during their conversation never seemed to her more than natural curiosity. She had slowly started feeling these interactions very essential elements of her existence. These were the only means to reach beyond her world which seemed so overwhelming and so fast, even to question its existence. His calm was infectious. She had slowly started associating all nice things in life with him. She loved her freedom.

Youth

Youth is magnanimous. Its also full of pride, impatience and contradictions. And its because of the immense pride of youth that makes the person so very sensitive and easily vulnerable to embarrassment. It is very easy to feel humble. When you achieve anything, say, get your first job, the first feeling is that of great humility. One feels a sense of gratification to the entire world! To one's family, to friends. Pride comes only later, when it actually sinks into the mind, when the mind no longer is in that sense of elation. Pride comes when one reasons out. It could be like "Yes, ofcource I deserved it, thats why I got the job". Its also very easy to feel hurt. Thats probably because of being sensitive and impatient at the same time! Let me explain. The root cause is pride again. One is extremely ambitious(meaning the most ambitious one can get in one's lifetime is in his youth ), exacting and wants all things his/her way. Life unfortunately is not that forgiving, just does not seem to entertain the follies of youth. Things just dont happen your way all the time. And youth is not bestowed with immense patience, ofcourse people endure things, have persistence, but all this is mostly out of practise and conscious enforcement of discipline, its not natural. One also has the highest physical stamina in youth. It sometimes only adds to the confusion of youth. And yes when you dont know what else to blame, there are those hormones ofcourse, which add spice to youth!

To a friend...with love

A long time since I posted anything here..well,September was loaded with work..Today is a very close friend's birthday..so want to write something on relationships that make life so much better. I guess, friends are the greatest source of influence, motivation. They help us grow,grow strong,enjoy life, be ourselves, go through those lean patches. They also give you lectures when you least expect! But all in all they make life beautiful.

This friend of mine is simply great. She is a person of few words. She supports me when she feels I am right and strongly opposes when otherwise. So basically make a good and reliable critic. She has immense patience. She is adorable. We have been together for the past so many years. The best part about this friendship that I cherish the most is that it has given us both space and time. We are the best of friends but still we are totally different people. We enjoy being with each other, we also enjoy being away! Life without such people is surely dull.

Just a quote!

Mostly whenever I read "Quotable Quotes" in RD, I find myself smiling. I read an interesting quote today. "Well behaved women never create history". So nicely put!

What I did with myself last evening!

Does the title sound filmi? It was actually funny..
This week the workload has been swinging up and down unpredictably. So much so that I come in the morning thinking after I am done with this I will be free for the rest of the day and then it turns out that I spend all my evening slogging. Next day I come hoping to complete something no matter what. It will stretch all morning and suddenly its done by afternoon and I am suddenly free for tha day!

Now the former is easier to accept than the latter. Wonder why? If you dont expect to be free on a particular day you will not have planned for anything. And during these rare situations you dont know what to do with yourself. It happened last evening! Then I remembered I wanted to gift myself a black bag I had seen in Forum not long ago. (Gifting myself something rather than just buying it makes the whole thing all the more exciting!)

So I went there after office and straight to that store. Hey where had that bag gone? I searched for it but couldnt find it. Then I thought I will look for some other bag. I was not able to decide. So called my sis. My sis' phone was busy. Tried calling a friend. My friend was busy! Now dont ask me how could I get opinions about things over the phone. Okay fine, so I just walked out and went to clothes shop which had a nice discount. Inside I realised I dint want to buy anything there, that stupid bag was still bothering me.

You see, I am one of those weird people who beleive in love at first sight! Hey, I am still talking about things. When I like something at first sight, it really means I like it. If I start wishing the shade was a little darker/lighter or the design was a little different all it means is I may be buying it because someone is trying to sell it!So, I got out of there and went back to that bags store! Hey what are those people in the store for. They should be able to help me find it I thought. Went to one of them with those tags and described the bag I was looking for. She smiled blankly and tried looking for it. Why was I doing this to myself? Suddenly to my greatest relief my phone started ringing. It was sis. I blabbered to her and unburdened myself. She patiently heard me and suggested something that I so happily agreed to do. She asked me to forget about the bag and go to the nearest book shop, buy myself a nice book and spend the rest of the evening enjoying it.

Wow, why dint it occur to me before? This is precisely why one should have a sibling. Words from these kins who have that little extra or little less experience of life compared to yourself, can give so much more insight into simple things in life! You see parents can also tell you these things but it doesnt seem to have the same effect. The gradient is too large for the ego of a young adult and makes you feel many a time "hey you guys dont treat me like an adult sometimes!"

Okay, so I browsed through those books for a while, selected two of them and happily headed home. Then spent the rest of the evening reading,talking to a friend and unburdening my room-mate by listening to how hectic her day at work was. Finally what started out as a "what-do-I-do-with-all-this-time-alone" had turned out to be a nice little evening all by myself.

Hope

Its pouring in Mumbai. Everyday I get pictures and videos giving glimpses of whats happening there as shot by some of those unfortunate Mumbaikars. The rains have already claimed hundreds of lives. The Tsunami that happened months ago, now the heavy rains in Gujrat and Maharastra, London blasts, Blasts in Egypt...Its just not nature but people of the world are facing the fury of fellow beings also. Where is the world heading to?

Last week I was watching those ads of KBC-2 and fascinated by the theme- on how we all hope for a better tomorrow and struggle with our todays. But all these people who came face to face with the fears of never seeing that tomorrow they always dreamed of, or those who lost the very people they wanted to share it with..how would they feel..the wounds apparently heal..but leave the wounded ones scarred for life. How difficult could it be to cope with such sudden invasions into their lives, rendering one so very helpless, to cope with those feelings they never ever dreamt they would one day feel so intensely, all those felt so remote,so alien, things which they had seen happen to people in some far off worlds happening to them. Things certainly will never be the same for them.

All of us console ourselves with where we are, with whatever we have, though we not really happy with them, hoping someday things will be the way we want. Will they ever be? Can anybody guarantee it for you? Can anybody claim confidently to live the next day? But still what is it that keeps one going.

Slice of life!

She was sitting at her desk busy with something. She sneezed. He asked her to think of a number. Without turning back and ofcourse without thinking she replied "hmm..".
He: Whats the number?
She: 9
He: C'mon ya, think big..had it been me I would have said 5 zillion!
She: ok
He: Okay, now think of a number less than 10.
She: okHe: Whats the number?
She: 9
He: Again! You were not listening! I asked you to think big. Think 'out of the box' ya.You should have said 5 zillion.
There was no point arguing that 5 zillion is not a number less than 10. How can he be ever wrong? Moreover she wanted to be left alone for a while.

She: ok..,fine.

For the next question she knew the answer perfectly well. It had to be none other than 5 zillion!

He: Ok, now one last question
She: ya?
He: Whats 1+2?
She: 5 zillion?
He: Hey, did you ever go to school or not?

By now she had had enough. She furiously said "Get lost man!" He was laughing "hehehe!"
Next moment they were both laughing!