Whatever...

What do I want? Keep thinking about it all the time. I cant find an answer. It makes me all the more restless when I try searching for an answer. Where will I find it, someone tell me whom to ask. There are times when I am sure like never before that this is what I have always wanted. But then..this is going to be a long, boring, restless, lonely journey. I have to find my own answers. But how? Things that seem to make life beautiful cannot be possessed. Happiness found doesnt seem to last. So many things knawing you all the time. I know what makes me sad, what I dont want to do. The question I cant answer is "Okay if this is not what you want, then what is it that you want?". I feel I have never been so restless before. Things that I used to like are no longer absorbing. I have to remind myself these were the things I liked, these were the people I wanted to be with, these were my dreams I was striving for. If after so much of effort in terms of time has gone in, I realize that the proverbial ladder was against the wrong wall, what do I do? I who pride on having that fine eye for details,how did I end up here? The restlessness is so bothering me, I can do anything even to just be in peace with myself for a while. I wish I could understand myself better, knew myself better. Have a feeling that I have led my life very superficially. There are very few moments..which I have actually lived in these many years of my existence. How do I fill this vaccuum? Why is it getting bigger than me? I just want to be engulfed or numbed by some great pain that will end it all. Is that what is "mukthi"? I guess brief intense pain is better than the constant annoyance of restlessness.