News making news...

There was a time when I was amused how dad managed to actually sit through the entire news program on national TV. I would also wonder why he watched news in all three languages (reginal, hindi and english) spaced every one hour or so. The news presenters always looked at some place where probably the lines to be read appeared. Or even better some would glance at the paper they held and read it. The best presenter used to be one, of course according to me, the one who made you feel she/he was looking at you and talking rather than actually struggling to read either from the paper or some screen. Then came the era of cable TV. Dad continued to watch the news despite strong opposition from me. I just could not figure out how he could watch that drab of a show when there were so many other things waiting to be watched. Now I am quite surprised that I end up watching a lot of news channels myself. Of course it probably runs in the family to try and keep oneself better informed about the current happenings. But I would definitely say news presenting has come a long way. Its done very effectively. These are seasoned reporters, who do their homework well, not just report but mostly do the ground work themselves. They are journalists not just presenters. The confidence shows. Amazing people, amazing shows.

A glance...

Mine was the next stop. So I went and stood in the front. She was squatting in a very awkward position in a two-seater, at the very edge of the window seat, with her legs folded, although nobody was sitting next to her. She wore a faded maroon saree with a red border. The saree was not torn or patched but seemed like someone had worn it all their life. I could not guess her age, she could not have been more than thirty. She seemed tired and it was not because of age. She was not from these parts. She glanced at me with the same natural curiosity that I was looking at her. After may be a few seconds, she again started looking out of the window. She was probably married, she wore a black beaded "sara". She wore two green glass bangles on one hand and a gold colored bangle on the other. A big stud on the nose. It must have been real heavy, although may be not as much as her heart I glimpsed(or thought I did) in those few seconds when our eyes had met. The other side of the nose was also pierced but without a ring. A small bundle of clothes tied with another cloth was at her feet. She dint seem to care much. Just before I got down the bus I realised we did have a thing in common - "occupation"!

Whatever...

What do I want? Keep thinking about it all the time. I cant find an answer. It makes me all the more restless when I try searching for an answer. Where will I find it, someone tell me whom to ask. There are times when I am sure like never before that this is what I have always wanted. But then..this is going to be a long, boring, restless, lonely journey. I have to find my own answers. But how? Things that seem to make life beautiful cannot be possessed. Happiness found doesnt seem to last. So many things knawing you all the time. I know what makes me sad, what I dont want to do. The question I cant answer is "Okay if this is not what you want, then what is it that you want?". I feel I have never been so restless before. Things that I used to like are no longer absorbing. I have to remind myself these were the things I liked, these were the people I wanted to be with, these were my dreams I was striving for. If after so much of effort in terms of time has gone in, I realize that the proverbial ladder was against the wrong wall, what do I do? I who pride on having that fine eye for details,how did I end up here? The restlessness is so bothering me, I can do anything even to just be in peace with myself for a while. I wish I could understand myself better, knew myself better. Have a feeling that I have led my life very superficially. There are very few moments..which I have actually lived in these many years of my existence. How do I fill this vaccuum? Why is it getting bigger than me? I just want to be engulfed or numbed by some great pain that will end it all. Is that what is "mukthi"? I guess brief intense pain is better than the constant annoyance of restlessness.